There's a Britney Spears in all of us...

Yes. My posts title is actually "There's a Britney Spears in All of Us". No I wasn't paid to write this. No I'm not high on Pepsi or Twix bars. No I am not bald, blonde or with child. I'm not any of those things. Laugh all you want and shake your head in utter disagreement. Nothing is going to change the fact that you have more in common with Brit than you'd like to admit.

Don't you remember the time she used to look like this. I was in high school and couldn't believe how much I disliked her (because she was with Justin) and loved her because her songs were so freakin catchy. All at the same time. Let's just say I was never able to get over Britney Spears.

So she used to look like this:

and this:


So what made her this?

We're not here to talk about the phenomenon known as Britney Spears without mentioning a few truths. I must warn you, I haven't grown up in the same era as the Beatles, Janis Joplin or the Doors even. I'm not going to pretend that I don't like or even listen to Britney Spears. Cuz truth be told, I probably own every CD that she has ever released. That's a feat. But this post is not about me being biased towards one of the most revered, wasted (talent wise) and talked about blondes to walk this earth. Forget Marilyn Monroe, there is a new tragic blonde to feel bad for and remember.

Now yes, I must admit, her recent appearance on Glee inspired me to say all this. She's no Michael, she's no John, she's no Gaga, or Madonna. But you better recognize that they aren't her either.

For the duration of this post, I humbly request you to put aside your pop hating antics and look back to the time when Britney Spears was bigger than anything or anyone else. A time when Catholic school girl gone bad was still considered scandalous, when catchy pop beats was all the world wanted to hear and could hear and when ...Oops I did it Again was a state of mind.

Sit back, relax and try to be honest with yourself when reminiscing.

Popularity peaked: Some get it young, some get it old, but everyone goes through a surge of popularity in their lifetime. Personally I was never too popular. In school I was always in the middle of the crowd, not ahead of it. But in college, I had my moments. Moments where I seemed like the coolest kid with her high heels and fancy hair cut. Then I started wearing flats again and my hair grew out. That's not the point. The point is even the "geek" becomes the cool one, even if it is just in the "geek" community. Being popular comes with its highs and lows. The lows include the tension one carries on their shoulders trying to maintain the popularity. Britney was just the most popular girl in the world. That's stressful times 6 billion.

Bald moments: In the bathroom drain, on my pillow, in my food! Hair can be so annoying. Sometimes it's too frizzy, sometimes it's too flat, but its everywhere but on your head. At least once in your lifetime, you will have a bald moment. It's true. And when you do, you might not even be the first one to notice. Now the brilliant thing about Britney is that she chose to go bald. Most of us though have to wait for our hair to fall out. Thankfully her head is pretty sexy.

"I wish my hair was thicker, and I wish my feet were prettier. My toes are really ugly. I wish my ears were smaller. And my nose could be smaller too" - Britney Spears

Mine on the other hand is dented in random spots. Great, now I can't even go bald in peace. Anyways Britney went bald on purpose but the worlds biggest superstar and hottest royal are going bald naturally. No comparisons, just creating awareness.

Walked bare foot: I don't have the most flattering feet on Earth. In fact I have on several occasions walked barefoot outdoors. Since I live in India, and people love to urinate at the nearest wall or bush, it doesn't matter if you wear shoes or not, you might have stepped on something which seeped its way onto the bottom of your foot.


So now coming back to Britney walking barefoot in a public restroom.

Well odds are that the 1 billion people who inhabit this sub continent have probably done so too. Sorry I didn't mean to compare India to a public bathroom but can you blame me otherwise.


Cussed at the paps: When your as famous as Britney Spears, even the gum you chew and spit is as valuable as your biggest selling album. The problem is, we all love hearing so much about the songstress in distress, that we forget she is human and will react like a human. So when hundreds of paps get in her face, she is bound to attack, even if it is with an umbrella. Now I'm not Britney Spears (not like I haven't had dreams about it though), but I hate when people take pictures of me when I'm not in the mood to take pictures. Sure I'm no news maker, but even the most attention whoring starlet has her off days. Britney has had her fair share too. So my photo taking friends who love to catch those "Kodak" or Candid moments, please check my facial expressions first. If it says "F" off. Then do just that.

Gleek wannabe: Whether publicly or secretly (in the privacy of their bathroom) Who doesn't want to be a Gleek? Singing down school corridors, retaliating through pop songs, increasing sex appeal through Madonna numbers, saying sorry with Rihanna, it all happens on Glee. Now normal mortals go as far as wishing and maybe doing a number here or there, but Britney, no she gets a whole episode to herself. Let's face it, Britney is beating you in this competition.



Kissed Justin Timberlake: In my dreams (and yours) Okay I wish. She did it though. I'm totally J. I can't talk about this part because it brings back all those 14 year old girl fantasies. That's a whole other blog post.




Had her fair share of men: We'll never really know who she was with besides Justin, K Fed and that best friend of hers who she married and divorced. Flings like Colin Ferrel, who cares? She's been there done that. She's even had kids. But yes, I quote Britney when I defend her and say "With a kid on my arm, I'm still an exceptional earner". She is. Men come and go, but Britney will always be around. Even if you don't like that thought. Which girl hasn't made rash decisions with men around. Which girl has not had problems with the opposite sex? Well nuns don't count. But lets face it, famous or not famous, boys/men bring out the worst in us (the best too).

"I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt": I know this all too well. People think you've done something, when all you've done is be yourself. Even if she did have a boob job, it's her prerogative, her wish and her freaking boob-full right. So maybe all of us haven't had a boob job or even been questioned about it, but haven't you ever had it so good that people raised an eyebrow over the authenticity or legitimacy of it?

• If you're getting good grades: "oh you're lucky", "She must have slept with the professor".

• If you have a cute boyfriend: "It's probably just temporary until he finds another sleazebag to move on to."
• Your looking prettier/more handsome: "It's all that makeup", "He got some professional help".
• You got an increment at work: "It's her luck, she's got too much of it".

Blah, blah, blah, you get the point. And with all pretty girls, its always the same story. You couldn't just be born that way, Could you? You soooo could.

No body is asking you to consider Britney Spears a role model. Most artists are not. But we still emulate them. So how can you then turn away a woman/girl who helped me (and god knows how many others) get through school without killing themselves (okay a bit dramatic, I know). But yes whether it was 'Hit Me Baby One More Time" or "Gimme More", I have always found myself singing her songs. It does not make my any less cool, nor does it speak volumes about my character. It just shows that I'm not chicken enough to deny that yes Brit was IT.

Look into your deep dark organ called a heart and ask yourself, when was the last time you didn't sing along to a Britney song or even know the lyrics for more than one verse? The truth might astound you!

Putting an end to the *itch

I must admit. I am a *itch with a capital B.

Having said that I don't think I was born this way. There are people and incidents to blame who have helped me get this far along in *itchdome.

I don't want to sound like the Meredith Brooks song 'I'm a Bitch' but yes I most of those nouns that she mentions. Anyways getting to the point, if you haven't realized already, I'm pissed. Believe me, the *itch in me only comes out when someone provokes it.

So for the past couple of months, I've been minding my own business, and doing my own thing. I have been relatively nice, not snapping, not back biting, nothing. Then the *itch in me came out. The *itch in me can't ignore these provokers in me anymore.

Here is a little run down on the things that have been pissing me off the most lately (in no particular order):

1. I walk into a Jimmy Choo store and the only thing I walked out with was a catalogue. On the bright side, I guess its okay, because with the money I didn't spend, I could have fed an entire village and then some.

2. The Commonwealth Games insist on happening in India, even though everything seems to be falling down, literally.

3. This douchebag I know thinks that being a douchebag is cool not to mention 'haute'. What the douchebag doesn't realize is that no body likes douchebags.

4. Petrol prices in India have been hiked and so have auto fares (fair). Auto rickshaw drivers expect you to feel sad for them even though they have more expensive phones than you (unfair)

5. 'Dabaang' has made Salman Khan haters suddenly love him. I'm glad his movie has done well, but I hate that haters are chasing in on his success. In the future, let's not judge a movie by the actors personal life for a change. If your going to watch a thoughtless but clever film, I suggest you leave your brain and Wikipedia knowledge at home.

6. Despite erasing people from my life, not to mention from my social network pages, they come back to haunt me with their dumb "musings" and observations. I've said this before. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

7. I went back to the gym after a 3 month break and gained no weight (yay)...But...after two days at the gym, I gained one kg! (yuck) I'm hoping it was all that water I drank to compensate for how tired I was.

8. No matter how lose or unrevealing my clothes are, the man standing in front of me insists on taking a quick peek. (Like I didn't notice you Schmuck!)

9. I suddenly went social happy, tried loving everyone, only to get grumpy and in the mood to be alone.

10. 25 years of my life are practically up (1/3 of my life!) and I barely have any interesting stories to tell my grandchildren.


I know I love to complain, but my intention is never to hurt any one particular person. If I do it's probably because they are out to ruin the world or something. Since the *itch in me is still around, I'll do what I do to get rid of anything. I don't drink my miseries away, I don't drown myself in my own tears. I could eat my heart out, but I'd rather do what any self respecting whiner would do. I'll listen to someone else talk, rather sing about how much they dislike something or someone else.


Since I complained about 10 things, here are my top 10 "Be a *itch and get rid of her" songs

1. 'Ain't a Part of Me'- Chris Cornell ft. Timbaland (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OgwDVaCiSw)
2. 'Positively 4th Street"- Bob Dylan (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOP6R3JvNHg)
3. "Obsessed"- Mariah Carey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1Yt0xJKDY8&ob=av2e)
4. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxUATkpMQ8A&ob=av3e)
5. "You Oughta Know"- Alanis Morrisette (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY&ob=av2e)
6. "Sh*tlist"- L7 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjKgiTzLPMs)
7. "FU"- Cee Lo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU)
8. "Love Me or Hate Me'- Lady Sovereign (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OMTB8YwILY)
9. "Cooler Than Me"- Mike Posner (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S_H1KDjW9Y&ob=av2n)
10. "Hit em' Up"- Tupac (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4HjsZqOaQ0)
    

I wish someone would write a book on how to avoid being a *itch or even how to stop being one when you are. Unfortunately looks like I'm going to have to pen that one.

Now. For those other itchy *itchy people out there besides me. Skip it. Just listen to some of these tracks and move on. Indulge the *itch once in a while, but don't let it take over. Ignore those people who would love to see the *itch in you. Save the *itch in you for the really serious moments in life. Like when your husband leaves you for a younger woman or when you get fired from a company you started (joking).

Take it from the *itch herself.



Note to self: There is a thin line between a perpetual whiner and a *itch. RESIST!

An Ode to the Burqa (when in Rome)....

Shakespeare had a tragic hero and Juliet to deal with.

James Joyce had Leopold Bloom and the Odyssey to worry about.

Defoe had Crusoe and his man Friday to keep busy.

Keat's had seasons and birds.

There have been odes to nightingales', sex, hate, the human mind, lesbians, everything. Or so we thought. What about the Burqa? No, unfortunately it is the lost tragic character in our modern age book of life.

I can't believe I never wrote about it before. But then again, we didn't have to deal with a ban on it before now did we? No, not even during the crusades.

It's official people. The crown of thorns has come out. The Burqa has been banned in France and Belgium.

Before I start my overbearing almost tyrannical take on this ban, let's get our facts straight shall we? France and Belgium are countries where only a small fraction of Muslim women wear the burqa. When I say small I mean a couple of thousands in France and about 30 in Belgium. Fractional if almost non existent. So it shouldn't really matter then should it? But it does.

Why? Let me tell you why.

It's been almost a decade since the tragic 9/11, but the on-going anti-Islam movement is just getting stronger with reactive legislation like this ban. People shouldn't be reacting, they should be responding.

Is having a women remove her burqa going to make you feel any safer? Well I guess we will find out right?

Now let's pretend that banning the burqa is going to solve everything or at least start with regards to terrorism. Let's also for a moment listen to all the feminists out there who think that wearing a Burqa is anti- woman and a sign of oppression. Let's also believe that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN who wears a Burqa is FORCED into wearing one. Then what do you do if some poor ol gal actually is caught wearing a Burqa? You fine her 150 euros of course. Okay, but then your practically fining a slave or oppressed person for being oppressed. That's the way you do it. Punish someone for being the "victim".

This brings me to my point, when in Rome do as the Romans do. For all those smart alecs who argue that Saudi and predominantly Muslim countries don't respect other cultures, I agree. You are right. Women can't walk down Mecca wearing a bikini. The girls of Sex and The City cannot flash condoms around and grope men in public. That's because these countries are Islamic states and those are the very tenants of Islam. Fine. that's understood. Now why then do you want to go and compare democratic and otherwise secular countries with the likes of Saudi? What's the competition. They tell you now to wear a bikini so you tell them not to cover up. Very smart.

With all this talk about Democracy, secularism and ban in the same sentence, I can't help but be reminded of Orwell's masterpiece, and my favorite book '1984'. It wasn't too long ago that the very thought of being told what not to wear would start a riot. It's a matter of time before we are told what to wear.

Personally I don't wear a burqa, hijab or niqab anymore, but I did wear a Hijab for an entire year when I was 13. Dumbfounded? Don't know what 2 of those three words are? It's okay. You are not the only one. I might not practice wearing the garments, but I do recognize the difference between the three.

The Hijab is the scarf that covers your head and neck, but your face is still shown.

The Niqab is the entire outfit which covers you from head to toe including your face, with only your eyes showing.

The Burqa -is the long head covering that covers your entire body, but not necessarily your face.

So I am assuming these French people have banned the niqab, since they feel threatened by not being able to see a womans face. What surprises me is that this whole debate says more about the people opposing the niqab than those who wear it, like me. Prejudiced, unknowing bigots.

My argument is always going to be freedom of will and equality. By banning the burqa you are banning the religious conviction that some people have. And we all know how difficult it is to be convinced about anything anymore.

I am all for banning oppressive men, women, rapists, molesters, pedophiles. Should we get them next? Please. My point is pretty straight. When you pick one race and make its practices illegal, even when other races are permitted to do similar things without criticism, that is racism. I haven't heard of the Nun's habits being banned? Is it because there are more Christians in the country? I had to think of it that way. I hate to bring religion into my blog posts because I am supposed to be whining and not feeling so passionately about a thing that I don't even follow.

If you ask me, (which I am sure you are not, but I'll say it anyways) if the Burqa is such a security threat, learn to work around it. When reasonably requested, the Burqa should be lifted. That is a law. You want uniform in universities, schools and work places. Burqa wearing women should be told at time of registration that while in class, the burqa must be removed. That is a law. If you need security checks in airports, major hot spots, etc, ask the woman to reveal her face. That's a law. Think about this. A woman wearing a hijab is as accessible to a CCTV camera as one that is wearing a hat or slinky Dior silk scarf. And if the latter wraps a scarf a bit higher around her neck that probably makes her as anonymous as a woman in niqab.

I believe no body should be telling you to wear, I also believe no one should be told to not wear it. If we advocate that a woman should be able to wear mini skirts, pants or whatever she wants to wear, we should also advocate for the fact that she should be able to wear a hijab, niqab or burqa. But this doesnt mean some patriarchal chauvanistic man can tell her what to wear, this also means that he can't tell her what not to wear. Simple.

Coming back to the French. Do the French intelligence agencies really have nothing better to do with their time? No other threats to deal with, apart from 2,000 Muslim women with covered faces?

By wearing the Burqa, if these women are somehow a symbol of social division then so is the Sikh turban and the Orthodox Jewish wear. But no one is having a go at them, and I hope they don't either.

A womans assets are her own. If she wishes to flaunt them as freely as discounts at Big Bazaar she is more than welcome to. We live in a world where everything is sold almost pornographically. By seeing a woman cover up, and then telling her she can't, are we respecting her less? Yes we are.

I repeat myself again and again. Let there be beauty, liberation and freedom. If a woman wants to cover her boobs, she is no less or more than a woman who thinks talking with boobs is a way of life. I support both!

A burqa is not Islamically recommended. I am sure about that. I have grown up with the strictest Muslim grandmother in the world. Possibly. But she would never force anyone to wear it. Islam is a pure religion at the heart of it. Women are pure too. Stop complicating both. Don't involve both in over zealous chauvinistic and terrorist activities that are rocking this sorry world. And, for goodness sake, lets not reduce Religion and human beings to a dress code. That is as the French would say "très bête".

If anything needs to be done, it's getting rid of male domination. Encourage women, Burqa clad or not to do as they will and not as the testosterone overloaded bull next to her wants. Find a solution for Domestic Violence, abuse, harassment, not for ethnic dress code cleansing. Let the women be. All you men need to stop thrashing each other over cultural differences.

I'll never understand ultra conservative Islam, but I am pretty sure Sarkozy doesn't either. I say we oppose the racist right wing kind of politics which could give a flying duck about Muslim women's rights and I also say we ban the products of the Islamic right wing. Women should not be sacrificed to either!

Before I finish completely, I want to recount an incidence where I have been subjected to racial profiling with just my name. So my name is completely Muslim. I have a Hindu name too. I choose not to use it because my identity will not be hampered based on the whims and fancies of people who don't even know how to spell their name backwords. Once a boy who I will not name told me, in this very country, that "If you don't like it, then you can leave". Where will I go you motherchucker! This is happening across Europe, America and all the xenophobic areas. America, I can't belive I am saying this, seems a little more understanding. That's probably becuase the minorities are combining to become the majority. But anyways there is no excuse for saying :"When in Rome....otherwise go Home". Bollocks. You don't have to be the majority in a place for it to be your home. Common sense.

And then they like to call themselves educated...

What am I even talking about. I don't know. But yeah. Banning the Burqa is just the start. Should I start calling myself by my non-muslim name now? No. I say bring it on!

The Truth About Dressing like a Slut

Okay. Maybe I should warn you right now. This blog post has less to do about dressing like a slut and more to do about the "Weaker Sex". Now before you assume that I am a thoroughbred feminist, let me just update your douche bag way of thinking. Yes I am a woman, but I believe in equal opportunity. That is until a man goes and says or does something to ruin it.

So let me ask you so called intelligent men and women out there, what is it about a woman that "under dresses" that gets you all hot blooded.

Are you jealous that you can't do the same? Do you have a big ass? Is your girl friend not putting out? Whatever the case, who gave you the bloody right to decide if I am wearing too much or too less? NOBODY.

I can't believe I am saying this but Miley Cyrus inspired me to write this blog post. So it's been two months since I last made an entry and I have been feeling bad about it ever since. But this is not about me not writing. It's about me being so charged up to want to write about something that endless number of people discuss on a day to day basis.

This isn't a new phenomenon. The way we dress has always been an issue. I remember growing up as an ugly duckling but wanting to revolt against whoever told me what to wear. Like my mom or my dad especially. They told me good girls don't show off their modesty. Well I was determined to be a bad girl then. I would wear strappy string tops under big jackets just because I loved the idea of wearing what I wanted. Forget that I had the arms of a professional wrestler. I just could wear that strappy string top and walk around like nothing happened. Now that's what I call power, but we will get to the power issue later on.

Getting back to Miley Cyrus. What did she do to make me write this post? Nothing she hasn't been doing otherwise. It's not about her song "Can't Be Tamed". It's not about the fact that she is moving out of her Hannah Montana ways. It's not even about her pole dancing.
It's just the fact that we are more concerned with the fact that she dresses like a "slut", then the fact that she can barely hold a note without sounding synth. No offense. I mean I totally tap my foot up and down to 'Party in the USA'. And yes I did get goosebumps when I first heard "The Climb". But the fact of the matter is that she has been getting a lot of flak for the clothes she wears or rather does not wear. So she is 17 years old and no 17 year old has the business of wearing what looks like a one piece swimsuit on stage? Right? Wrong. She can wear anything she wants because in show business you don't really have an age. And we the discerning voyeur loving population are to blame. When it all comes down to it, the 64 year old Dolly Parton says it best about the Disney bunny:


"I remember when I was horny and young too. I love her. She's beautiful and has legs that go on for ever."

It's so simple but so powerful that statement. For centuries women have been told how to dress and how to be sexy or un-sexy. As far as I am concerned a woman is as sexy in a burkha as she is in a teeny weeny polka dot bikini. That again brings me back to what I was saying. A slut is not a slut until she sleeps with your boyfriend, his married brother, the entire Indian army and your brother. You can't be a slut simply for wearing a mini and running around topless. Then your just half naked.

I'm not telling everyone to run naked on the streets. If that's what you think I am saying well then your an ignorant fool. Or in nice plain words, you have not understood any word of this post.

As a 24 year old girl stuck in a womans body, I am finally comfortable with what I look like. I also know what kind of reactions my body evokes in others, men and women alike. Having said that I also don't give anyone the right to tell me what to wear. So then why did I wear a scarf around my neck when I walked down the busiest street in Bangalore? Because for some odd reason, men think that by walking down a crowded street they can rub up against your lady lumps and pull it off as an accident.

How about I punch you in your family jewels and we call it even? No? Well then shuttup and listen.

So at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I wear or don't wear. You are still going to want to touch this and I am still going to want to punch you.

I like to think of myself as a rational woman who responds and does not simply react. But what do you want me to do when a man says me wearing a certain piece of clothing makes him uncomfortable. What do I say when a man passes a lewd comment at me and expects me to be amused and not react? I say BALLS! No way in heck am I going to let you tell me I asked for it. No one asks to be sexually abused. Get that out of your thick skull.

You know how smug you think you are. Admit it. You see a "hot chick" and more than just your temperature rises and you say you can't control it. So why are we the weaker sex again? Please put all your brain cells together and tell me who is stronger now. The man who sees a piece of meat and shows every sign of excitement or the woman who silently observes, likes what she sees and enjoys a few private thoughts or two?

Definitely a woman. Who wants to walk around with something that gives away exactly what they are thinking or feeling at the moment? Not me.

The next time you want to argue that men are the stronger sex and women are the weaker sex, think about these next few points:

• Men are known to have a shorter life span, are more susceptible to infections and have less chance of withstanding disease than women.
• In matters of evolution, men are less likely to survive than women
• Girls learn language earlier, develop richer vocabularies and even hear better than boys.
• Teenage boys are more likely to commit suicide than girls and are more likely to die violent deaths before adulthood.
• While depression is said to be twice as frequent in women as in men, its only because women show their symptoms and are willing to talk about it in times of distress.

But don't take my word for it. Take theirs:

• We're more recession-proof. According to the Bureau of Labor Studies, 80 percent of those who have lost their jobs since December 2007 have been men.
• We already know that female enrollment is higher than male, but the of Educations Statistics reveal that men are also less likely than women to graduate and get their bachelor's degrees. Men are also more likely to take longer than five years to complete their degree
• A study done by McGill University indicated that estrogen gives women an edge when it comes to fighting off infections. That's because estrogen confronts a certain enzyme that often hinders the body's first line of defense against bacteria and viruses.
• Among the world's population of those who are over 100 years old, 85 percent are women, according to the New England Centenarian Study. In general, women continue to live five to 10 years longer than men as well.

If you still didn't get it then this might help:

• Men can't give birth because whatever power decided women should have babies didn't give them the ability to. He/she knew that men can barely hold themselves up for 9 months, imagine another living thing!

• Women look better naked

• Women do less time for violent crime

• You have a toddler in your pants who tells on you every time.

Okay. Fine maybe the last few reasons were just ways to make you feel bad about yourself. What it all boils down to is that MEN are not the stronger sex. Sure physically you might be able to lift more, but we don't see you walking around with a 10 pound being in your belly. I'm just saying!!

On a more serious note, the other day some jack ass boy I know said women shouldn't have any combat role in the armed forces. To that I have to say, men shouldn't be allowed on the planet. You smell, your hairy and disgusting, and you have no manners. Okay I know I keep deviating but again on a completely serious note, women don't need to be told that they can't fight. It goes against every moral tenant that this society is supposed to be made out of.

If a woman wishes to risk her life for her country, fight with unruly men from other countries and maybe even die while doing so, no one has the right to deny her that choice. Women have sought the opportunities previously restricted to men and vice versa. We let Adam Lambert sing about wearing black eye liner, we let Arnold star in a movie call 9 months, we let you wax your chests, we let you be the bread makers and not only the bread winners! Sure the comparison is not right. But what do you want me to say? It's comical. Women are constantly fighting to make a point. And look at the irony of it all. Women are fighting to fight!

It's as simple as this. If a woman has the ability to serve on the front lines, the military should not deny itself her valuable service. And even if she does make it to the armed forces, just because she is the minority doesn't mean you can use her as your socks.

So ladies and even men, you're not a slut. You don't ask for it until you actually say "I want it" and mean it.

If I want to show some cleavage I will. Because no matter how much you deny it we are powerful. We show a little and you go bonkers.

So, I say start a revolution. You don't let us fight? Fine. We'll walk the streets in our skimpiest attire and blow you up with our bazooka guns whenever we sense some aggression coming our way. There is a new meaning to the term "power dressing". So which smart alec said we can't fight again? Let him meet me. I have my halter, mini and bazooka waiting.

36-24-36

BWH. What do these three letters represent? They represent everything wrong with the world and women today. They represent the notion that size matters. They are evil.

Okay. Literally speaking. BWH is a term used for bust, waist and hip measurements. Ever heard of vital stats? Dreaded right? Now you thought BWH was bad what about these numbers: 36,24,36.

Now put some dashes in between. 36-24-36. The perfect female body they say. Women all over the world openly say how it's impossible to be such a size, but secretly want to sport those stats. Like the menstrual cycle and pregnancy, this is just another one of those things that women have to deal with alone, another one of those things that men cannot relate with.

My friend and colleague who I will just call S inspired me to write about this. Rather to write about this all over again. She spoke about being "Plus Size" in India. Well we reached the conclusion that plus size women don't have any "rights" and we are unloved by society. When I say plus size I mean anyone over a certain size that is considered fat in India. Dude, just because we live in a country stricken with poverty doesn't mean we should look malnutrition-ed.

I know I keep doing this and keep talking about this but what is the deal with being perfect or rather looking it? What is freakin perfect? Half the African American, Latino and South Indian men are going would probably sing a-long to Sir Mix Alots "Baby Got Back". What...don't tell me you have never heard it. Remember this:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".

So that's the perfect combination. All women should strive to be that! Try telling us otherwise and we won't believe you. Even Bart Simpson doesn't let us be. Don't you remember that his locker combination was 362436. I remember watching an episode of Ugly Betty the other day and Wilhelmina's safe opens to the same combination, which she claims are her measurements btw.

But pop culture is funny. In the Motley Crue song Bad Boy Boogie they aint singing about 36-24-36 but instead say 38-28-38 about a taller girl with a wider waist line and yes bigger boobs. No body needs to have a size 38 bust line. Punks.

The problem is that even after years of being told that we need to fight for our place in society, we still continue to be the weaker sex. Why? Because we obsess about men and other women think about us. If we are fat, we give up on ourselves and start commenting about other women. If there is anything I hate more than a man commenting on my body and weight is when an over weight woman comments on my weight. Oh I hate it just as much as a skinny girl telling me I'm not fat. You're right. I'm not fat, your just underweight. Puhhhllleeassseee.

As a child I think I knew I was going to grow up to be fuller figured than most others. I say this because I hated Barbie. You know the doll that looked like she belonged in Germany with Hitler rather than in the rest of the world?

Well the Aryan looking doll pissed me off to the extent that I would insist on pulling her head off and flushing it down the toilet. Harsh you say? Well bite me. Barbie was evil. Everything she stood for was evil. Straight silky yellowish hair. Creamy complexion. Blue Eyes. That's all fine. Women can have all those. If we reconstructed Barbie to be life size, she would stand at 5 feet 9 inches. But wait, tall women exist. Here is the good stuff. Her vital stats would be 36-18-33 So Barbie is well endowed (extremely) at the chest, with small almost none existent hips at 33 inches and whoa where is her waist. 18 inches!


Really. Well that's the Barbie I remember. I guess the bi*ch got what she deserved. Some meat on those sides. If you see the new Barbie she isn't the same. Looks like she has caught on to the fast food frenzy and loves those Big Macs and fries.



Barbie Syndrome took over the world. Blondes and non blondes around the world wanted to look like Barbie and for the most part still do. I mean I guess guys never caught onto the Ken Syndrome thing. How do I know that? Well you won't find a wiki page for Ken Syndrome but you will for Barbie Syndrome. Let's face it, this is another battle that women have to deal with alone. Accept it. But before Barbie and the likes was considered the ideal woman, there was Aphrodite..there was the painting "The Three Graces" with the Rubenesque women...What happened to them? Well they are considered over weight, or fat as hell.

What was once considered beautiful is not considered gross. When did child bearing hips become a bad thing? Back in the day, I mean way way back in the day like the early 1600's this was the ordinary woman:

1639 – The Three Graces; Pieter Pauwel Rubens

The ideal woman was more or less like this till the 1800's. With the advent of the 1900's women like Marilyn Monroe were considered beautiful. You think she's hot too right? But you cant help but commenting on her wide hips right? Admit it.

Plastic surgery was already rampant. Thanks to the 1920's, the Flappers were the in thing. Short hair and shorter dresses. By the time Marilyn came around, the dresses got shorter and the teeny weeny polka dot bikini had arrived.

She was a curvy size 14 by the way. But that soon started fading away. So being thin had become a sign of wealth. Dieting was upper class and elitist. Wow who ever thought looking starved would make you famous. And then Twiggy emerged, the first underweight model to make it big.




Today we have reached a place where after endless number of anorexia and bulimia cases, women hold Giselle as the ideal curvy woman.


So Giselle has the ideal body and we are still full of crap. Let's face it. Perfection, like honesty is a figment of our imagination. No body is perfect. Ask Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson. Yes, after hating on a blond doll I turn to two other blonde dolls to prove a point. Britney recently released an un airbrushed version of her new 'Candies' print ad. The result was this:
So where does this leave us boys and girls? It leaves us exactly where we started off from. Sitting in front of the laptop, letting the fat bugs get the best of us. As we get older, as we start getting wiser hopefully, as work gets more demanding, as peer pressure turns into competition, no one is sure what or who the new female ideal will or might be. But here is what I do now. Yes I Shag Da Intern want to share a few words of wisdom. Make health your new attainable goal. It's easier to reach.

For all my sisters out there who can't help but be rail thin, excuse me for not understanding. It's a fat girl thing, always feel bad for the fat, not the thin. But if you are just thin by nature then power to you. Use your skinniness to your advantage. Whatever that means.

You men who might be fat or thin, this is not about you obviously. You have your own quirks which I can't comment on since I don't know what it feels like to be a man. But I am pretty sure you worry about size too, just not the same point of reference as women (wink wink)

As for the rest of you. Women set realistic goals to reach. Plus what do you need collar bones that stick out like they can cut salami at a deli for?

Men, please compliment us if we look good. And both men and women, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. It really works.

Solitary Confinement

Those two words. Don't they just bring chills down your spine. When I hear them I can't help but think of prison cells, where "dangerous" men and women sit all day long in utter darkness. It's supposed to be their punishment, no communication with the other world, no societal interaction, nothing. Just you lost in darkness with only your thoughts keeping you company. I get visions of Andrew Dufresne, Tim Robbins character in Shawshank Redemption as he is thrown into solitary confinement for, well, telling the truth and doing what is right.

I know every religion preaches truthfulness. Every parent encourages you to do good. Every law in every country tells you to do no harm. So how do you explain all the lies, the bad and harm in the world. I don't want to be a part of this world. And I don't think I can do anything to change it either. No. I am not Mother Theresa. No. She is dead. She's lucky that way. She doesn't have to see all the rubbish happening in the world today. It just seems to get worse and worse.

So yes, I want to be in solitary confinement. I want to leave you and the rest of the mortals and be myself. Because just waking up is depressing. Everything is so wrong in the world. And I'm not just talking about one piece of KFC chicken having 500 calories in it. That's not the biggest of worries in the world.

Who likes waking up, going to a job where you think you are doing what you love only to realize you are being over worked and underpaid. Sure most of my peers are going through the same thing. But that's no excuse to let it continue.

Who wants to make new friends or get close to loved one when they are only going to leave or die? Why put myself in a situation like that? I'm sorry if I don't want to answer your calls, talk to you or enjoy your company. I am doing you and me a favor.

It's time for me to un or de-commit myself from society. Because society is such a big let down. Everyone is a bitch, man and women alike. Everyone lies. Everyone cheats. Even men of God. So excuse me if I have no faith in you or what you sell because at the end of the day you are all salesmen. You're all selfish. Yes. I mean you. Of course I count myself as one of you. But I really don't want to. That's why I choose to be alone, exclude myself from the usual and the expected.

So why have I, the once upon a time social butterfly meant for the world of Gossip Girl turned pro-alone. Well frankly speaking, every so often, women, whether old or young, fat or dangerously skinny will find themselves alone. Doesn't matter that the Earth is inhabited with over 7 billion other lonely souls, she is still alone. And I say this as a woman. not necessarily a man. Because I only see men getting what they want, living as they want, being with whomever they want. At the cost of women of course. So you cheat, you are a sworn virgin but then you go and sleep with women behind your faithful followers backs.

Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Nithyananda are only puppets in a much bigger puppet show. But women aren't completely away from being blamed. They are so needy. They need to be needed whether that means sleeping with a married man or with a man of God. Why do I want to know people like this. I have no sympathy or empathy. Shame on me for putting up with you people for so long.

My tolerance levels have reduced. I cannot stand you. The sight of you makes me think of myself and the bad things I have done as a result of being in this world.

I'm not lonely. I have great room mates. A great love. A great loving Mother. A brother who I adore. Great friends all over the world. But I need a break. So far this post seems to be about you. But I tell you honestly. This is about me. Its about my need for selfhood and certainty that can only be shaped through solitude.

Solitude. Maybe not the confined kind, but the comfortable kind where I am not obligated to answer the phone our greet you out of sheer courtesy. I want to be unfettered by society's stigma about being alone. I am not a loner. I am not suicidal. I promise. But I deserve the opportunity to explore this life without interference or any disturbance.

There are so many conflicting and complex forces in ones life. I urge you to develop a sense of honesty with yourself. Ask yourself. When you look in the mirror do you really see a fat ugly woman or do you see an average woman who is neither made up nor under groomed.

Are you dumb or do you just choose to not be overtly bookish?

Look at the bright side of things. There is one. It doesn't always mean you have to be happy about everything, it just means that some thing cannot be explained and its best to leave it that way. There really isn't always an answer for everything. Just be. That's the best thing you can do.

No you, even I don't need to see a psychiatrist. Chill. It's not the end of the world. Men Cheat. So do Women. You aren't appreciated half as much as you should be. But either is that homeless man on the sidewalk who can play the guitar with only one hand.

My favorite thing to do when I want to be alone? I read horribly romantic but cheesy novels. Makes me believe in a world where love is the biggest problem in people lives, not terrorism, back biting, fatal diseases, serial killers, blah blah blah. I also love to eat chocolate or any junk I can muster up. Of course I used to do it till the point of being disgusted. Now I do just enough to make myself feel happy. TV and Movies help. They distract you from the world otherwise. Afterall Coleridge said it best when he said engage in "Willing suspension of disbelief".

But once you pop back into the world. Be humble. It's difficult. I know. Ask me. One minute I am upset that the guy next to me dropped a plastic bag on the street and didnt bother picking it up and the next minute I am killing a chicken for it breasts to eat with mashed potatoes. We are complexly evil creatures, we human beings. But at the end of the yellow brick tunnel there is a bright light waiting and asking you to grow up and just deal.

So this want or rather need to be alone might last for a day, a week or forever. All I can say is do your best to make it less than more. I don't want to get to the point of no return. For now I am looking forward to my chocolate pudding and book called "Hot Number".

Yes. Life is good all of a sudden.

I am Woman..

Hear me roar....roooooooarr

Or should I howl because I am a she wolf... Aooooouuuuuuu..

Whatever it is...before God or whatever supreme power made me a student...an observer...a bitch...a whiner..

...before he made me a douche bag...a carnivore or music lover...he made me a WOMAN..

So today on March 8th, 2010..who am I to change the fact that it is International women's Day?Until the day comes when men and women have equal rights I will be celebrating this greeting card holiday in full force and with full gusto..

I love women..smart women..fat women..bond women and blond women...skinny women...bootylicious women...women of substance and women who have indulged in substances.

Women of all sizes...of all races..of all mentalities and deformities..

So in order to actually earn a day where the entire world celebrates us, we have to live up to the standards of women that came before us, paved the way for us and those women who continue to do so.

Hats off to Kathryn Bigelow for being the first woman to win an Academy Award for Best Director. You truly are an inspiration and I am hoping that more women create such history. Ultimately the goal should be to be happy that good talent has won and not only a talented woman. Maybe, perhaps one day we will be able to get to that point.

Till then don't hold it against me that I like to appreciate women.

On this occasion I would also like to put women in their place. While society has allowed you to practice the oldest profession in the world, don't go wrecking people's homes. Make your living but do it honestly without greed or manipulative intentions. Don't let the word Bitch only apply to women. Show men that you are more than just boobs, vaginas and drama.

Until we give men a reason to respect us, we can't really go looking for it. Forget men, women kind also won't respect you.

Don't put up with a man for the sake of putting up. Be strong and confident like a L'oreal girl. Because you are worth it. You don't need me or any greeting card to tell you that. You know you're own worth.

As a woman, you must acknowldege these two facts: a) You have been wronged b) You have
gotten away with a lot of ISH

Now having said that..you can't ignore that you do have it better in a lot of ways...here's what I mean:

1. When you don't have a man to full fill your needs, you have a vibrator...men have blow up dolls..we are so much cooler..

2. We don't have to be gay to hug our friends regularly..men don't get the same privileges..

3. We can wear men's clothing and still look gorgeous..but your boy friend in your underwear will look just plain pathetic

4. Orgasms speak a lot about us..whether we fake them or truly enjoy them..

5. I can admit to liking boy bands and knowing all the lyrics without being called "pansy"

6. We got off the Titanic first before it sank

7. Our mood swings can be blamed on PMS. If boys act cranky well they are just jerks.

8. We give birth. We make babies. We make homes.

I think the last one is the most perfect explanation of all. We are awesome. Let's earn Women's Day. After all the chances of having men thanking us everyday are slim to none. At least we can indulge ourselves one day. AT LEAST.

Not to all the men out there. You love us. It's okay to tell us once in a while. Put up with our need for attention. It will only benefit you. But please don't piss us off. We look much better smiling. Not when we are stopping ourselves from committing murder.

Beyond that. Enjoy your individuality.

Just Lose It

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh...

No not like Eminem says..This is so not about losing my mind..losing one's mind is relatively easy when compared to what me and millions of others around the world want to lose. If you still haven't figured it out yet, I am talking about the F word. FAT.

Yuck. It made you cringe didn't it. FAT FAT FAT FAT. Admit it. You despise fat. Whether you have it on your body or see it on people around you.

I mean literally speaking it is the most comfortable thing in the world. Its' squishy and soft. But face it. It's not your best friend. But some people (cough cough: ME) are so comfortable with their FAT. It's the only thing they have had their entire life. Something that is completely theirs. Of their own doing. And now you want to take it away from us. No that's not right. If anyone is taking my FAT away from me it's me. Not you or anyone else. FAT or not FAT.

So no matter how comfortable you are in your FATness, there is no excuse for being so. There is no excuse for being FATter than all your best friends. There is no excuse for being FATter than all your crushes who till this date you wonder why they didn't feel the same way about you. There is no excuse for weighing as much or just a little less than your boyfriend. There is no excuse for calling yourself healthy or voluptuous when in reality you are just FAT.

Sorry to be so harsh. Take it from a FAT girl. It ain't the best place to be. I need to get out of my comfortable place in the FATosphere. But I really don't know where else I want to be. FAT is what I have known my whole life. I have never met skinny. What if skinny doesn't like me?

Sure we all need FAT. It's an essential requirement for our functionality. But how much of it is too much? There are FAT calculators which tell you how much FAT is right to have for your age and height. Well I'm only 24 years old and yes I am FAT. That we already knew.

Since 2010 has started I have been on this whole trip about losing weight. It's gone to the extent that people have started calling me 'obsessed'. Yes. I am obsessed. The good thing about obsession in this case is that I am really working hard to get a hold of my obsession and turn this obsession into something I don't just lust after, but have.

Weight loss isn't easy. It's a lot of dedication and hard work. Yeah so there are those people who breathe air and lose weight. Then there are those people who don't even breathe air and just gain weight. I am part of the second group of people. The people who have been told that they are FAT their whole life. The group of people who are told to lose weight but not told how to lose weight. The people who are told that they are cute FAT, but FAT none-the-less.

So I have lasted like this 24 years of my life. Living on the idea that I am not fugly. That I have people that love me for me. I don't shop at the 'Big N Tall' yet. YET! No I can't afford to get there. I cannot get FATTter than this. No way. The FAT stops here.

It has for the past 2 months. I made a resolution and so far have stuck by it. Give or take a few candy bars, extra servings of rice, mid night ice cream cravings and the occasional KFC stops. ::Sigh::. Not eating is not an option. Never thought joining the gym would be either. But it has been one of my biggest aids. Yes you can quote me on that.

Okay so that's normal right. I go to the gym 5-6 days a week and spend an hour on average working on my fitness. I watch what I eat. Should be good enough right? Apparently not. I don't know what happens to me but I suddenly get the urge to burn even more calories. I am obsessed with my weight. Everyday I check the scale and if I have lost even a few grams I start rejoicing. But goodness forbid I gain even one gram I will do anything to burn them off. You name it I have tried. Pilates, Taebo, Yoga.

I have watched hundreds of you tube videos. I have surfed every website there is on weight loss. Even one called www.howcelebritiesloseweight.com. So I know what everyone from Anne Hathaway to Britney Spears do to lose weight. But the weirdest thing I came across was what Fergie does. She drinks vinegar shots. Yeah you read right. It apparently curbs your hunger and burns FAT. It sounds disgusting but it burns the F word. Haven't tried it yet but don't be surprised if sometime in the future I invite you to my house and offer you some vinegar shots. I'm just sayin....

There is no easy way to weight loss. It shouldn't be about how good you look. It matters but it isn't everything. It's about how it makes you feel. I totally look forward to waking up at seven every morning and starting my new found drive for good health.

It's not about being anorexic. Absolutely not. It's about not being obese. I don't think we realize just how serious being FAT is. More people die every year from obesity then anorexia. So help your FAT friends. Don't let them get to obese. Let your loved ones be healthy without not eating or throwing up whatever they eat. There is a way for all of us. Believe the once-upon-a-time-non believer. Don't aim for the size zero. Or size 2 or 4 for that matter. Aim at being healthy. Aim at loving your healthy body and self. It sounds so disgustingly sweet and fake doesn't it. Well it's not. It's acceptance. Accept that you are not supposed to be over weight. Also accept that you might never be a size 2. Acceptance is what we all need. Not defeat or lack of will power.

The verdict? So 2 months of dieting, watching what I eat, researching, gymming, yoga-ing, burning, eating and obsessing later I am a whole 6 kgs lighter. That's about 13.5 pounds. I'm getting there. Still hoping to lose ten more kgs. Not impossible right? Totally right.

So to all those people who knew I would, who thought I would never, thought I didn't need to, think I need to. Well I am. So that's that.

Til I completely lose it there are more articles to read, more exercises and wacky diet tips to try, more people to get inspired by. The idea is to lose, not gain in the process. So far so good.

I'll be sad. I might not even recognize myself after this. It will take getting used to. There will be tears and beads of sweat along the way. I will miss some clothes and fit in new ones. It's hard. But. Just lose it.

PS- And while your contemplating doing it or helping someone do it. Drop by this site and smile. It totally made me smile. Some of the things that FAT girls have to say is hilarious and totally inspiring...

Here's to not using the F word anymore.

http://www.formerfatgirl.com/

Full of Red Bull

So..I'm not much of a drinker anymore...

Okay who am i fooling..I hate alcohol and fuzzy energy drinks..don't get me wrong I love soft drinks but had to quit due to better judgment.

Today a red bull girl walked into Radio Indigo and asked me if I wanted a can Red Bull...Who was I to say no? I love free things..So I took it thinking I would give it to my colleague who had gone out for a meeting.

Well I did give it to her..but after drinking about 3/4 of it. Yeah seriously. I mean it was just sitting there next to my laptop and staring at me. It was open and asking me to drink it. And so I did. And now I have sudden bursts of energy and I am feeling restless..I am still sitting at work at 7:30 p.m... scary.. I don't even have any work...

So there is no point to this conversation. Or rather this blog post. Just channeling my energy in the best way I can. By Gabbing. Okay now I will leave and watch some episodes of "Mad Men" and react violently to everything that happens.

Siyonara.

WTF? The week that was...

WHAT THE FREAK?

My name is Ahmed...but I'm not a terrorist: Well I think that has more to do with who I am then my name. I mean what is in a name. I hate to say this but the KJo movie, "My Name is Khan", totally struck a chord. The movie had all the makings of thought provoking cinema with the trimmings of a quintessential Bollywood film. I just wish this film came out a few years ago. Seems kind of outdated now. But what they say in the movie..well its true. There are only two types of people in the world, good and bad. But how do you explain all these "good people" doing bad things in the name of the good? I say we are somewhere in the middle...more of gray in this world then black or white..Still can't believe I went for a SRK film, first day first show..

15 year old musical boy: Justin Bieber. He is so freaking young!!!...so besides the fact that he has many top 40 hits under his belt (5 to be exact), he is only 15...I mean he is 15 now, but when he was discovered on Youtube he was much younger. What the heck was I doing when I was 15? Daydreaming about my first love, but unlike Justin I never got the chance to sing about it and make millions swoon worldwide..::sigh:: oh well..there is always the next life. But seriously, how do you explain this sudden influx of young artists taking over the charts? So many yungns'...Well at least with him, the name Justin does a lot for me..if you know what I am saying..I might be just a lil bias... but dude I couldn't stop listening to him..don't make me start on Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift..

Food, sex and music: We love all three. But could Nostradamus in his deepest darkest prophecy ever guess that the three would create perfect harmony? Probably not. I mean for starters I really doubt they thought strawberries, chocolate and music by Maxwell was the perfect aphrodisiac-ish combination. Anyways, when did food, sex and music drive our ears. I mean all three bring us immense pleasure. In fact, Brain scanning experiments have found that music hits the same parts of the brain as food or sex does. Wow. Go figure. I think I found a new way for weight loss. Trick your brain with sex or music instead of food. Right on. But till then the song "Carry On" by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake is perfect...hot Justin...great tune..and sexy to say the least...and we all know that my body is better than carry out..okay sorry will control the modesty, or rather lack of it...

Attack of the unidentified object: No not a flying saucer or E.T., but a bag. A bag with so many explosives that it wiped out the entire bakery, killing 9 and injuring 45 in the process. So i frequented the place quite a bit. Ok so maybe the "happy" hippy type folk with robes from the Osho Ashram down the street weren't the most appealing. Neither were the random men that were deprived of non vegetarian food at the place who stared at us like we were a great chunk of meat. But the fact of the matter is that I liked the place. I like the strawberry in cream. The decently priced eggs and hashbrowns. The peanut butter slice. The yak cheese slice. I could go on. But more than the food it was the afternoons spent there with sooo many people. How the heck do you go and blow up such a lovely place, which is more than just a haven for foreigners looking for non greasy, non Indian food? Did you prove your point? YES. Did you prove that you are spineless and didn't show your face, but rather sneaked in like a piece of chicken shit? YES. Do I hate you even more then ever? ABSOLUTELY! You should have sat down to eat some food, enjoyed a bit of conversation before did what you did. But you probably lost all sense of taste with so much evil floating around in your body. And you probably didn't have any friends. So seems to me you are the loser. Because we still have our memories. The good ones, and you well I don't even know if you are alive. I hope you aren't because I would really like to feed your organs to an alligator.

Illness = weight loss: Sure I am happy that I have never gotten pneumonia, worms or thyroid. But dude, Kelly Osbourne cannot seriously have lost 7 kgs in just three weeks. That's insane. It took me 1 month to lose 3 kgs and I struggled. But she says it was the thyroid..so am I contemplating developing Thyroid somehow? sure I am. But then I won't push it. I will do it the right way. But that still doesn't explain how she got so skinny. If she can do it I can so totally do it too. But not the way I ate this weekend. So I went back home for the long weekend, but I consumed three times what I would consume on a normal weekend..thyroid are you listening? Okay just joking..(NOT)

John the DICK: Yes I used some sort of profanity. Shriek or gasp in horror but it's true. John Mayer is a dick. Sure he sounds good and I would love to make love to his voice, but he is such a male chauvinist pig not to mention a racist pig. So he the Dick, John, calls his well, Dick (penis) a white supremacist..really now you dick..did you have to put your privates in the public in such a racially charged comment..that too in Playboy? Yes so we understand that you love your beach blonde babes, some athletic and svelte like Jenni A and others that are well endowed in all the right places like Jess S, but did you really have to say the things you said. Well, the first amendment allows you to. I don't think Beyonce or Rihanna are ever going to look your way after that one. And oh yeah. I still think you are a dick. No harm there.

BSB, here I Come?: For those of you who know me, you would probably know that I am the biggest *Nsync fan ever..like ever ever..been to 3 concerts, waited in line at midnight for their albums and have even color coordinated myself to match them...Well, never thought this day would come, but I am going for a BSB concert. Yes, thats Backstreet Boys..They were my sworn enemies..I mean they are my sworn enemies..but I cant help it if I know all the lyrics to all their songs, own all their CDs...it happens right...keep your friends close but you enemies closer...that's the way I see it..Anyways this week was full of sleepless nights...I can't help but thinking I am betraying *Nsync..but then I realized I am getting free tickets and not really making much of an effort to go..right on...It's all good again..::phew::


Valentines Day what?: Who cares that I didn't get any flowers, chocolate or jewelry. I got all the cheesy, mushy chick flicks you could ever think of. It was a day of bliss. A huge serving of my favorite ice-cream, chocolate pancakes, strawberry waffles, chick flicks back to back, my humongous king side bed and my favorite Winnie the pooh. It was bliss that can be compared to no other. I love Valentines Day, probably not for the same reasons you or the rest of the world does though.

Quite a strange week. Filled with music, horror and food. Eh..nothing out of the ordinary right.

Jingoistic Indian

Friend is a Four Letter Word

No this is not one of those blogs where I talk about how I HATE my friends. In fact its the opposite. Rather this blog is about how I HATE well.. HATE..

It's a matter of shame that I live in a country where HATE is as rampant as Aids. Absolutely despicable. Its in our hearts, in our homes, on our televisions. But you know something is really wrong when HATE reaches so called "fair games" like Cricket. Well its a shameful and disgusting period in history. Sport is no longer fair and free of HATE

The recent IPL auction for players puts any false ideas of love aside. In fact, cricket is no longer a sport of innocent and well intentioned fun. Its a business after all. It's quite clear. Especially with the exclusion of Pakistani players in any of the IPL teams.

No this is not discrimination against Muslims. Its discrimination against Pakistani's and ultimately against humanity.

When did cricket get so political. And don't tell me it didn't. Don't give me the following excuses:

a. "There are no good players in the Pakistani team"- Oh Really? Then how do you explain Pakistan being the top team at the T20 level? How do you explain Shahid Afridi being the Man of the Series at the T20 championships in 2009? What about Mohammed Aamer or Umar Gul?

b. "Pakistani players are not available for the specified dates": What lies. really. Come up with a better excuse. I mean my favorite team, DC, bought West Indian Kemar Roach for $ 610,000. And guess what he isn't even going to be playing the first 2 games because of prior commitments. Go figure. Even the top brass of the Aussie team and the entire England team are not available. But that's a genuine excuse, not a shady one.

c. "It's a security concern": Okay so a few Pakistanis jumped on a boat and had easy access to the Bombay coast. It was an obvious security malfunction at a national level. Tighten your security. Stop terrorists from crossing borders. Not sport.

d. "Letting in one 'paki' will encourage more": Ignorant fool. I wish I could beat some sense into you. Or at least beat you up. Which age are you in? Prehistoric? Are you fighting the crusades?

As for the pro Telenganas and the Shiv Sena's. Get a grip on your fight. Do you even know what you are fighting for.

You Telengana people are fighting for a separate state because you think we Andhraites are stealing all your money and livelihoods from you. Losers. With all your protesting not only have you ruined your chances of getting tourism money from the @home matches, you have lost your dignity and ultimately your goal.

As for you Shiv Senaks. By threatening Aussie players to not enter your state, do you think that the attacks on Indian down under will stop? Really ask yourself will the crime rates drop? I didn't think so.

It's not only these politically motivated parties and alliances. It's people in my own home. My room mates. My special friends. My family. Everyone has something against Pakistan. Why dude? Did you live during partition? Did you experience separation from your family? If not then I don't think your opinion even matters. If you were directly affected by 26/11 then I can excuse your decision for fear. But if you are a modern Indian living in India and living on an old time and tested dynamic of Hate then you need to see a psychiatrist or find other ways to vent your anger.

Don't go on a murdering spree or anything. Write a blog. Don't Stop cricket.

Get over you HATE. Think about what you are losing. Cricket is the one sport which unites us with Australia, England and Pakistan. Technically we should HATE these countries right. As jingoistic Indians. England for the British Raj menace and Pakistan for leaving its big brother to fend for himself. And Australia for letting Indians get beaten up.

But then again you should probably be scared of your quiet passive girlfriend who lets you get away with everything but murder. She is like a volcano waiting to erupt. You should be scared of your neighbor who gets sick of the loud parties, the stench from your house. He might just come and kill you in your sleep. You should be scared of the homeless Eunuch on the street whose been abused by fools like you and who wants sweet unadulterated revenge. What I am basically saying is you should either be scared of everything or not scared at all.

By excluding Pakistani players you may think you are doing a great favor for national security, but for global integrity you are killing it.

What an embaressment. You extend a hand and let Pakistani Players play in the first 2 IPL's. Then you even go to the extent to include 11 of the players in the auction list. And then none of the teams have the balls to go and bid on the players. I'm sure you could have bought 2 awesome Pakistani players for the price of one awesome Shane Bond.

Remember this you jingoistic Indians. You have gone and snubbed not only a cricket team, but an already hostile country. All you needed was to piss off some more Pakistani's. Great going.

In an ideal world Pakistan should just start its own premier league...but it's not an ideal world and you will think twice before trusting a Pakistani.

I guess at the end of all this. All I can say is IPL is run by "professionals" and they are the ones who ultimately decide what is best for the teams and the sport. Even if it means using cricketers for their larger cause.

Right because Shilpa Shetty, Preity Zinta and Shahrukh have a degree in how to handle a cricket team. Totally!

Resist from taking active apart in rude jingoism. However if you feel that by excluding Pakistani players from IPL is good for Indian national security then by all means be a jingo. But leave me out of it. I don't entertain discrimination of any sort. Even for my own country I do not judge a race because of a few miscreants. That was what Hitler did. And now apparently you do too.

That is because you are a Jingoistic Indian.

I leave you with a Mariah Carey song that describes the relationship between Pakistan and India to the T:

Once upon a time
We swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us
And we changed
And you sat alone in pride
And I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairy tale just end up this way?

We went round for round
Til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring
Not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you
Break you down so low there's no place left to go
I can't wait to hate you

I'm Down like Your Internet Connection

I think MIA is awesome. I mean she came, she conquered and she is suddenly Missing In Action, probably flying off to some exotic places on her paper planes. But, from what I hear she is coming back with a new album and I am super excited about it. And take this, one of her songs is actually called "I'm down like your internet connection". Wow. She came up with the song while she was on the phone with a customer service person trying to get her internet fixed. And viola, she has her next song. I think that's cool. Wish I could get inspired just like that.

So even I have problems with my internet. In fact just yesterday me and my room mates were dying with our brand new connection. So we spoke to 2334093583048 different customer care reps and I had to watch my room mate S no. 2 as she struggled with experimentation. Pulling plugs out, plugging them in different sockets, praying, abusing. Yeah all the jazz. But what did I get out of that episode? Nothing. I just was hungry and decided to deal with our ill fated luck. So we ate and watched some Ugly Betty. Yeah that is the day we deal. With some grub and some eye candy.

But I need some inspiration. But everywhere I look there is only destruction and dandy-ness. By destruction I mean the natural disasters, the terrorists attention seeking methods, the missing and dead children. By dandy-ness I mean all those people raking in so much money that they can't count, such a large amount that it is a small country's yearly budget. They are laughing, wearing fancy clothes and only living the good life. Hmm. So everyone gets inspired by these things. But that's easy. Is it wrong that I get inspired by the one liners my colleague comes up with in the middle of brainstorming sessions. Or by the gum that gets stuck to my 100 rupee Rocksters. Or by the strands of hair I see on my bedroom floor despite sweeping the room 20 seconds ago. Does that make me weird???

No I don't think it's weird. Just means that the small things in life are worth mentioning. Make an effort to remember the one hit wonders...remember and appreciate the indi and smaller artists like you do the big platinum selling ones. After all they are all musicians.

Maybe we fail to notice the small things in life because we are too caught up with the bigger or the shinier things. It's just human nature. But it makes me question what we really are. Do we really care about what is happening in Haiti or are we most concerned with sexy George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's donation giving spree. Perhaps. But we aren't that heartless either. But we cannot deny the fact that our idea of humanity has shifted.

We keep crying about all the dying, murdered and beaten Indians in Australia but its happening here in India to Indians as well. hmm..I think I always bring this up...scratch that...

So we love Beyonce but dude Estelle is awesome too. I like Nirvana but what about Sublime. You love (I love) Lady Gaga but have you heard Santo Gold? Didn't think so. Face it. Most of you are music racists. Yes you read me right.

It's not only about the big and small.

It's not about what we do to help fight against all the evils, all the wrong doings, all the bad. It's about spreading the word and being aware. And yes we are a very aware generation. But is that enough?

Maybe..maybe not..but I think its important to give importance to the big and small things in your life..whats the point of saving the whales when your own human relationships are failing.
Whats the point of being humble and kind towards dogs when your behavior towards your fellow mortals is despicable. Whats the point of wearing fancy clothes when you keep throwing the wrappers to all your anti aging creams on the streets. Whats the point of saying you love punk music when you don't even know Sublime. Whats the point of appreciating urban music when you classify Eminem as the father of hip hop?

Clean your act up. Personally. Professionally. Humanitarianlly. Musically. The world is counting on you. Not to just fix the internet but to be an active and decent member of society.

But as Greenday says,

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

We all are in ruins. But at the end of the tunnel there is day light for sure. I know there is. Don't ask me how.

Btw. Speaking of missing in action, does anyone know what happened to Shania Twain or Vanilla Ice? I miss them.

For your Entertainment

Yes. I'm here. Use me. Abuse me. Do whatever you want to me. After all at the end of the day you are going to be screaming my name and that is my ultimate goal. Seriously.

I can't take compliments of any sort. I react in one of two ways if you so much as mutter phrases that resembles a compliment. You say, "wow you look nice today". Simple enough right. No biggie. NO WAY! My self obsessed over conscious self goes into overdrive and I do not know how to react. So I either super coolly say "Yeah I know right" or "No I don't. Don't just say things to make conversation". So either way I am the bad guy. I am either proud or mean. Hmm.. Which is better? Who cares really. I am here for your entertainment.

Okay okay..so maybe it wasn't really my thing. This for your whole entertainment thing. It's Adam Lambert's thing. He shoves his crotch into his guitarists face on international television and is sent to entertainment hall of fame for it...nice..but I don't know if I can handle the whole entertaining the world thing...

I mean I can barely handle the entertaining my man thing..or entertaining my friends thing..it's tough being entertaining.

But life has taught me much about myself. Apparently I don't have to try hard to be entertaining. I seem to ooze it without trying. Funny right.

I try to make my Facebook status messages extra entertaining. At times funny. At times depressing. And most of the times my feelings exactly. But Facebook really does allow me to be the super duper entertainer that I am. To understand what I mean..Let me tell you something about entertainers...they thrive on attention..and I love it to..no matter how many times I deny the compliment or reverse it..keep them coming.

This is the ugly duckling in me speaking. The one who never got the boy she wanted but has him now and to keep him goes through extreme lengths to keep it that way. I don't want to go back to that same place. Being the insignificant Indian girl. I like being the Born in India, raised in America, but living in India kinda girl. It's fun. And you seem to find it entertaining.

You are entertained as soon as I open my mouth. The way I speak, with my extra enunciated English with a twinge of American twang. You dig it totally. If you didn't you wouldn't take the pains to point out the way I say certain things each and every time.

Today I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "single" to "in a relationship". Those of my Facebook friends who I choose to talk to beyond Facebook already know that about me..but those of my FB friends who I restrict to the confines of face-book-dom....well they needed to know. Not because it's vital information that will save their pathetic lives from further drowning into patheticness, but because I needed acknowledgment. I needed some people to know my relationship status more then others. Just.

But seriously speaking I got an immediate reaction. In fact, 5 seconds after I made the post, people started commenting. I mean I am their very own Adam Lambert. It's good in a way right. Now everyone knows I have a significant other. A special friend. I just didn't mention who. I didn't have to. Just the fact that I am in a relationship is entertaining enough.

Wow. I am in a relationship. Just struck me that I said that. It sounds different when you keep saying it over and over in your head. Or when you keep writing that you are in relationship over and over again. I am in a relationship. I am in a relationship. I am in a relationship. Sorry for the randomness. Just had to make sure I was actually writing it. See I write the way I think. So it's not just in my head. It's true.

Okay now that I have gotten that off my more than ample and well endowed chest. Lets move on. After all I am here for your entertainment.

So I am your entertainer and Facebook is my vehicle for entertaining you. That is just until I can get my claim to fame through more legitimate modes. ::cough cough:: American Idol, MTV, Gossip Girl..yeah until those come knocking on my door can't really do much.

So I'm funny. I can hold some decent conversation now and then. And yes I look good. But here is how that works. There is a formula to everything. I wasn't born like this. The funny part is mostly because people's idea of what is funny is somewhat demented now a days. Humour is found in me falling, tripping, running into walls or my buttons popping. Yeah go figure. No wonder I am so hilarious. I am the biggest klutz on the planet.

The decent conversation part. Well that's not really true. Most of the time you won't even understand what I am talking about. Because I find interest in things that otherwise "smart" or "dumb" people don't. I think since I am in between these two types, I find some sort of connect. That's all. No brain surgery here.

Oh and now the best part. The looking good part. Yes so I have "sharp features", when in reality I have an extra long pointy nose. Guess the creator knew I was going to be a liar like Pinocchio. the rest of the good looks? Well let me break it down further.

The curves? Where do they come from? Well you can thank 24 years of solid eating with average to minimal exercise.

The lustrous hair? You can thank 13 years of near baldness thanks to overbearing parents who tried to make me the son they never had.

The high cheekbones? Non existent.

The clear skin? Non existent.

The beautiful eyes? The best brands of Kohl on the planet. Only enhancers of course.

The rest. Well it's all natural.

Who knew my life long dream of being a superstar would come true...okay maybe not..but who says a girl can't believe..I'm sure Leighton Meester wasn't born knowing she would be THE Blair Waldorf...

Susan Boyle definitely didn't think Simon Cowell would fall at her feet in praise, but what a voice right?

Who knew Stephani would become Gaga extraordinaire and have millions of people talking about her fashion choices, her love choices, her musical choices and even her gender choices?

No one knew. And then Bam they emerged without a warning.

So that's it. An exclusive sneak peek behind the fabulous life of ShagDaIntern. A sneak peek into the glamour. The glitz. The entertainment. I am always open to suggestions about how I can improve my entertaining qualities. Keep them coming. Till then I am here for your entertainment.