Monday, February 22, 2016

To cuss or not to cuss, mother chucker?!

It's been almost 5 years since I have blogged. Not because I haven't had the inspiration, motivation or fire too, but mostly because I have been lazy. Also, I don't know where people write online anymore. Am I supposed to be on Tumblr? Twitter is so restricting. I can't think in parts. Yeah, I'm too lazy to even find new venting spaces.

But as one of the laziest people I know, it really takes SOMETHING for a lazy person to put aside their laziness and become a member of the non-lazy hardworking world again.

So my whole life I have more or less strayed from the act of cussing. Barring of course two important incidents which will prove otherwise:

a) In grad school when I said the f word that rhymes with 'duck' exactly 3 times at a boy, whose name I refuse to take, because he pains me like Voldermort pained Harry. Let's just say he was "the lowest point" and his name meant it too. Now that I look back at it, he doesn't deserve to have my cussing v-card. I want it back!

b) In 2015, when I was trying to explain to a group of friends, what another individual said, and I let the expletive slip out. That's the worst feeling ever, knowing it wasn't my time to cuss but I did. Again, I feel robbed.

They say the third time is a charm. Well I haven't been charmed yet. I have led a semi-charmed kind of life. Several studies suggest that cussing relieves pent up frustration, helps you relax, makes you smarter, puts you in contention for winning the Nobel Peace Prize, blah blah blah. Please, you and I both know half these studies are made up in a college dorm by a kid trying to make some side cash for his/her side chick.

I don't cuss but I sure as heck do hang out with a lot of people that do. Out of every 10 friends I have, 9 and a half cuss for sure. In fact, those friends are waiting for me to cuss. There is a major pool about when I start cussing on the regular and what word I will use the most. I don't want anyone to win money, except me! Turns out I don't cuss but I sure as heck will like you if you do. You are brave. Also, I listen to the filthiest music, using the most number of expletives. Some I even have to look up on Urban Dictionary. Such is life. Life is such poop. Is poop a bad word? I mean is it like saying "life is such", sh*t"? Is one worse than the other?

I use a lot of substitutes. I have somehow convinced myself that Sh*t > Cr*p > Poop > Number 2. In this case >  = "worse than". I was so bad at math growing up, that it's shocking that I am using symbols like > to make you understand my point. Am I going to continue living life as a cuss-less lie? Is it okay to say 'mother chucker' instead of the other word? Am I just playing myself and you? Am I really just wasting too much energy trying to come up with substitutes, energy I could spend doing Pilates or yoga or anything the more "nirvana attaining" women of my age are doing? I don't think I can ask my mother anymore. I am 30. I should know this by now right? Age is so over-rated. That's going to be my next post.

But seriously, where do people write ish anymore? Bloody heck. Or should I have said the opposite of heaven? I am so confused. I need a freakin' drink. Darn it! You know what screw it.


Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama & Obama: The Eternal Love Affair

I woke up today at 7 am, not because I love getting up early, but because someones dog wouldn't stop barking. I was not pleased to say the least. If a barking dog wasn't enough, I had to get to work early to give my radio peeps their daily dose of gossip. Yes after a sabbatical 'Rumor Has it' was back. Now here I am trying to find out all the goss on how much Kate's Alexander McQueen cost when these stupid pop ups keep saying Obama is going to make an announcement soon. What the heck did Obama have to do with me? So what if I lived in that country for 17 years, Obama didn't really matter to my rumor spreading.Or maybe he did. My mind was thinking of all the possibilities.Could he be making an even more hilarious statement about Donald Trump? Was he really not an American citizen? Its amazing what one headline can do to the average human beings brain. I wasn't even close.

The calender in my part of the world says that it's May 2nd, 2011. Over on the more econimically set and advanced part of the world though it's still May 1st. The day is mostly remembered for the day that Hitler was announced dead. Yes announced. He actually died the previous day. While I believe that things happen for a reason and all that jazz, I cant help but wonder about this next piece of expensive ad time news. O-S-A-M-A is dead. You might be wondering why I spelled it out that way. Its because I've been running around saying Obama is dead all day. I can't keep saying that. These are the kind of things that can get you killed. Literally. Now you may be wondering why I am spending my working hours writing about a topic that well I really have nothing to do with. Or do I?

I'll get into that later, but if the international media is anything to go by, then my opinion stands as follows. This is what's been happening and is also a surefire plan to avoid conspiracy theories (NOT!):
1)Shoot Osama bin Laden
2) Take clear photos as proof, that don't look like they've been Photo-shopped by my 12 year old brother.
3) In true Dexter style, dump his corpse in a water body and claim it was done in true Islamic fashion.

Hold up. Islamic fashion? I'm pretty sure they like to be buried 6 feet under the ground and not 20,000 leagues under the sea. Tell me blog-werts, how on Earth do you capture the worlds most wanted man and then...just dump him in the sea?

Call it good timing, mere co-incidence or a conspiracy theory, but I am anywhere but satisfied. Now I'm no military intelligence expert. Heck I don't claim to be intelligent at all. But here's the deal. I didn't spend 10 years of my life being subjected to "anti-extremist" measures to be told that the man responsible for my bags being checked at the airport was just thrown away like a candy wrapper. No. You have some explaining to do.

But who is going to explain this? Because from what I have seen (on the tv), Obama is clear that Osama was in fact killed just outside of a major Pakistani city. Fine. I'll leave the details to him. But how can he just be "removed" like this without any other explanation. I'm sorry but as much as I love Obama, he is not the worlds commander-in-chief.

I still get horrible images of families at ground zero holding pictures of their lost yet loved ones. I would never ever encourage such a heinous act. But then again, Osama wasnt the only one who was killed in this "war on terrorism". It's been a long road this search for Osama. I can only imagine how many more 'Talibanians' have been slaughtered in the making of the epic ending.

Indeed, the cost has been massive, in dollars and in lives. But from the very moment that first tower fell in NY, we all knew who would be writing the end of this story.The message was oh so clear: "Attack the USA and we'll attack you right back".

I in no way love or sympathize with extremists, fanatics and their kind. So don't even for a second think I am writing this to support "their cause". I don't support any cause unless it's freedom of speech and freedom of religion. But yes, I would appreciate some freedom from fear. So now that he's dead and gone like a JT and T.I. song, can we please get back to the days when Shagufta was a name synonymous with Kofta's and Goofy and not a terrorist.

Sorry for the slight deviation. I'm not done yet. Now here's something else that gets to me. There were weeks and months at a stretch that Obama did nothing. Then comes this past one week where he's had many tricks up his sleeve. First there were random reports that Al Qaeda's almost boss in Afghanistan was caught. Then that crazy Donald Trump started asking for attention and pissed off Obama by questioning his birth place. Then the very next day, out of the blue, Obama produced his birth certificate to the world. And now, he tells the world that Osama is dead. Is it just me or does anyone also think that it couldn't have been just to placate dear Donald? I don't know.

But here is what I do know. If 9/11 helped us get to know George W Bush a little better (even if against our own will), and got him re-elected, then Osama is Obama's claim to Nobel prize fame and we all know he wants to get re-elected too. Well I don't live in that country anymore and I won't be voting anytime soon. So yeah go ahead, bring out that snappy election campaign, Get Kanye and Jay to write you a song. But sometime, in the future, please do tell us what really went down. Oh and if you were looking for the perfect time to pull out of Afghanistan, now would be the time. My forefathers would really appreciate it. And for what its worth, I hope you get re-elected. But please, that last Nobel Prize you won was given too early to you. I know your love affair has come to an end, but who says you have to fall in love just once?

In the mean time, since life is just one big ol pop song in my world, will the real Dawood/Kasab/Gaddhafi please stand up? The is looking for its new favorite villain.

Monday, February 7, 2011

SORRY from an XX

Okay so for the most part I am different from the other XX chromosomes in the world.
  1. My chest and booty size is bigger.
  2. I like sports, and don't just pretend to
  3. I can wear heels and still run and dance up a storm
  4. I don't take 1 hour baths (7 minutes is all I need)
  5. I hate compliments
  6. I can't sew, design, or drape a sari
  7. my eye liner line is a little thicker
  8. I don't like to be smarter or pretend to be dumber than the average human
But the one thing makes me just like all the other douche baggy women out there is that I can't say SORRY...when I really mean it. Sure I say SORRY for bumping into you, for spitting on you, for dropping your expensive iPhone, for making you buy me things and for things that absolutely don't deserve the utterance of the word. But there might have been a handful of times and situations where the word was so necessary but I just couldn't muster up the balls to say it.

So today, on this very blogful day, I hereby sit in my uncomfy office chair and vow to make amends. Now I won't take names because that's what distasteful bloggers do and I pride myself in being a tasteful one (yes we exist). You know how we have a lot o be thankful for? Well I have a lot to be SORRY for. Here it goes:
  1. S.M.: I'm sorry I bullied you. Or rather let "them" bully you. I should have stuck up for you instead of watching and adding my "yeahs" after everything they said. I was stupid, it was the 6th grade and I think about it a lot. We were really good friends. So then why did I let it happen? We went trick-or-treating. You were my first real desi friend. But thanks for never treating me badly, even in Highschool when you totally could have. I see Karma worked out for you and you are doing really well. SORRY!
  2. F, A, and A: You boys were great. I liked you. I honestly did. Just not enough to stick around I guess.You bought me gifts. Drove me around. Said all the right things. Gave me a few butterflies and goose bumpy moments. I got you to say those three dreaded words, but I couldn't reciprocate. I'm glad we're still friends and as cheesy as it may sound, there is a beautiful (little less than me) girl out there who will make you happy. SORRY we couldn't make pretty babies.
  3. N: When we went from being acquaintances to besties I don't know, but I know that whatever time I had with you, it was the best time of my life (sorry for sounding like a Bryan Adams song). I know I disappointed you and I also know you'll never quite tell me how much I did. I still don't know exactly what happened, but I do know I should be SORRY to you and only you. You deserve one of the biggest SORRY's ever.
  4. A.S.D.K.: You were my hero. SORRY I never told you that. It's time for me to prove you right and all of "them" wrong".
  5. M: I'm SORRY this got blown out of proportion. But I guess we both like it loud and dramatic. It should have been face to face, but it didn't really go the way I planned. Not that I planned for one of the worst years of my life.
  6. S.A.: I'm SORRY I led a double life. I never completely told you who I am or what I am but you were my best friend. Hopefully when I'm 67 and completely ballsy I'll sit down with you over a glass of prune juice and finally tell you everything.
  7. T.R.: I stole your favorite eraser when I was 8. I wanted to add it to my eraser collection. I went home and told my mom and she didn't let me watch 'The Simpsons' for a whole week. It was torture. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: SORRY.
  8. S.S.: I should have never made you my target. If that situation was a battle zone, I would have killed you in friendly fires when the real enemy got off without a scratch. Glad we started over but SORRY anyway.
  9. S.A.: I'm not sorry that it's mine now, but I do think that you think that I took something of yours. I'm SORRY you got a raw deal but its about time you accept reality too. You seem pretty talented at what you do and you've moved on. Progress is refreshing!
  10. My babies: You guys died a premature death at my hands. I'm SORRY you were gifted to me, but this generation of electronic goods seems to be doing well. Less slips and breaks. Fingers crossed (without them in my hands of course).
  11. S.S.: If you get fired, it's my fault. SORRY. But you blew it when you started acting like a tyrant and feigned ignorance to all my problems. Tough luck on the top! Anonymous letters can be so hateful can't they?
Are there more people to say sorry to? Perhaps. But in the past 25 years, these are the most notable. Now I don't know if they'll ever read this but if they do, I mean everything in caps. That's all that matters.

I might regret this post tomorrow or even after 30 seconds of hitting the send button but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

The road to redemption starts now in



Monday, January 10, 2011

Fat Girl with Skinny Jeans: The GM Diet

Fried Chicken. Fried chicken Fried Chicken. Deeeeep Fried Chicken.

This is all I could think about at approximately 8 pm last night. Of course I got my wish but the universe hates me so much that the guy gave me burnt-to-the crisp-chicken poppers and I wasn't in the mood to accept it like it was just Cajon cuisine. So I almost yelled at him on the phone and settled for eating the lentils and rice at home that my roomies so lovingly cooked. But I was still upset that I didn't get to eat some freakin fried chicken. Blame it on the chemical imbalances that so called woman hood brings.
Anywho, so that was just last night and here I am on Day 1 of my GM diet. Guess I owe it to the guy who burned my chicken to get here. Now for those of you who don't know what the GM diet is, pat yourself on the back. You haven't Googled weight loss every single day of your internet filled years. On a serious note though it is a diet. Yes I am an internet diet freak (based on the number of internet searches I trigger). But that's where the buck stops. So I've tried the Lemon cleanse because Beyonce did it. I've tried the hunger diet because half the world does it, I've tried the SEE (not sea)-food diet and now it's time to try a diet that more or less incorporates all of those things. Before I get into my experience on Day 1, let me run you down on what the diet really is. Now I am assuming that if you are reading this then you know what the full form of GM is. The GENERAL MOTOR diet was actually created for the employees of General Motors, you know the giant car manufacturers. No I haven't quite my day job and switched into the automobile industry. I'm still shag da intern. But my incredible search engine skills led me to uncovering this diet. It supposedly helps you not only lose weight, but cleanse your system and helps improve your over all well being. JACK POT! Before you pass judgment, you are not me so you can't even begin to fathom what it means to lose weight. I am not promoting starvation, just as I am not promoting the slaying of animals for my gastronomical pleasure. I am simply exploring and trying to help my body feel better about it self. Take it from a fat girl.

Okay getting back to why I wanted to try this diet. The whole idea is you eat specific foods that help you burn more calories simply because your body uses more calories to digest them
. It's a seven day thing and every day you follow a different guideline.

This is what the guinea pig (in this case me) has to stick to:

Day 1: Hog on all the fruits you can except the calorie ridden Banana

Day 2: Shove all the veggies you have never eaten in your life and make up for lost time. Start your morning by eating the biggest potato you can find (boiled)

Day 3: Eat all the fruits and veggies your stomach can take through out the day and as many as you can to keep you from fainting and grabbing the nearest Zebra to devour. Oh but you still can't eat bananas and no potatoes either.

Day 4: So all those days that you have been told to not eat bananas on this diet come to an end today. Today you only eat bananas and drink milk. I hope it tastes better then it sounds.

Day 5: Technically you are supposed to eat beef and tomatoes today. But since the thought of a dead cow in my stomach makes me want to hurl on the poor guy sitting next to me, I'll skip on the beef and eat some brown rice instead. Day 6: You're supposed to eat all the beef and veggies you can handle but I think I will stick to veggies and lentils. Day 7: Today its all about the brown rice, veggies and fruit juices. Doesn't sound so bad. Now let me remind you again I am only on the first day of this thing. It's about 5 in the afternoon and I'm doing pretty good so far. I've eaten 2 apples, 2 oranges, 2 plums and 1 pear. By the end of the day I should chow down on 1 more apple, 1 more orange, 1 more pear and a bowl full of watermelon. Now I barely have the time to blog on normal days and this week is no exception. However because I want to finish this diet without failing, I am going to seal the deal on the internet. So I started today and I should have a blog by next Monday to document the success/failure of this whole adventure. That makes the blog world my witness. The best thing about this diet is that you are supposed to eat as much as you want and if you're feeling hungry, you're doing it wrong. That makes me feel a whole lot better. Oh yeah I'm supposed to drink litres and litres of water and abstain from alcohol. I think this will be a cinch. On that notes, wish me good luck and no Zebra cravings!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

There's a Britney Spears in all of us...

Yes. My posts title is actually "There's a Britney Spears in All of Us". No I wasn't paid to write this. No I'm not high on Pepsi or Twix bars. No I am not bald, blonde or with child. I'm not any of those things. Laugh all you want and shake your head in utter disagreement. Nothing is going to change the fact that you have more in common with Brit than you'd like to admit.

Don't you remember the time she used to look like this. I was in high school and couldn't believe how much I disliked her (because she was with Justin) and loved her because her songs were so freakin catchy. All at the same time. Let's just say I was never able to get over Britney Spears.

So she used to look like this:

and this:

So what made her this?

We're not here to talk about the phenomenon known as Britney Spears without mentioning a few truths. I must warn you, I haven't grown up in the same era as the Beatles, Janis Joplin or the Doors even. I'm not going to pretend that I don't like or even listen to Britney Spears. Cuz truth be told, I probably own every CD that she has ever released. That's a feat. But this post is not about me being biased towards one of the most revered, wasted (talent wise) and talked about blondes to walk this earth. Forget Marilyn Monroe, there is a new tragic blonde to feel bad for and remember.

Now yes, I must admit, her recent appearance on Glee inspired me to say all this. She's no Michael, she's no John, she's no Gaga, or Madonna. But you better recognize that they aren't her either.

For the duration of this post, I humbly request you to put aside your pop hating antics and look back to the time when Britney Spears was bigger than anything or anyone else. A time when Catholic school girl gone bad was still considered scandalous, when catchy pop beats was all the world wanted to hear and could hear and when ...Oops I did it Again was a state of mind.

Sit back, relax and try to be honest with yourself when reminiscing.

Popularity peaked:
Some get it young, some get it old, but everyone goes through a surge of popularity in their lifetime. Personally I was never too popular. In school I was always in the middle of the crowd, not ahead of it. But in college, I had my moments. Moments where I seemed like the coolest kid with her high heels and fancy hair cut. Then I started wearing flats again and my hair grew out. That's not the point. The point is even the "geek" becomes the cool one, even if it is just in the "geek" community. Being popular comes with its highs and lows. The lows include the tension one carries on their shoulders trying to maintain the popularity. Britney was just the most popular girl in the world. That's stressful times 6 billion.

Bald moments: In the bathroom drain, on my pillow, in my food! Hair can be so annoying. Sometimes it's too frizzy, sometimes it's too flat, but its everywhere but on your head. At least once in your lifetime, you will have a bald moment. It's true. And when you do, you might not even be the first one to notice. Now the brilliant thing about Britney is that she chose to go bald. Most of us though have to wait for our hair to fall out. Thankfully her head is pretty sexy.

"I wish my hair was thicker, and I wish my feet were prettier. My toes are really ugly. I wish my ears were smaller. And my nose could be smaller too" - Britney Spears

Mine on the other hand is dented in random spots. Great, now I can't even go bald in peace. Anyways Britney went bald on purpose but the worlds biggest superstar and hottest royal are going bald naturally. No comparisons, just creating awareness.

Walked bare foot:
I don't have the most flattering feet on Earth. In fact I have on several occasions walked barefoot outdoors. Since I live in India, and people love to urinate at the nearest wall or bush, it doesn't matter if you wear shoes or not, you might have stepped on something which seeped its way onto the bottom of your foot.

So now coming back to Britney walking barefoot in a public restroom.

Well odds are that the 1 billion people who inhabit this sub continent have probably done so too. Sorry I didn't mean to compare India to a public bathroom but can you blame me otherwise.

Cussed at the paps: When your as famous as Britney Spears, even the gum you chew and spit is as valuable as your biggest selling album. The problem is, we all love hearing so much about the songstress in distress, that we forget she is human and will react like a human. So when hundreds of paps get in her face, she is bound to attack, even if it is with an umbrella. Now I'm not Britney Spears (not like I haven't had dreams about it though), but I hate when people take pictures of me when I'm not in the mood to take pictures. Sure I'm no news maker, but even the most attention whoring starlet has her off days. Britney has had her fair share too. So my photo taking friends who love to catch those "Kodak" or Candid moments, please check my facial expressions first. If it says "F" off. Then do just that.

Gleek wannabe:
Whether publicly or secretly (in the privacy of their bathroom) Who doesn't want to be a Gleek? Singing down school corridors, retaliating through pop songs, increasing sex appeal through Madonna numbers, saying sorry with Rihanna, it all happens on Glee. Now normal mortals go as far as wishing and maybe doing a number here or there, but Britney, no she gets a whole episode to herself. Let's face it, Britney is beating you in this competition.

Kissed Justin Timberlake:
In my dreams (and yours) Okay I wish. She did it though. I'm totally J. I can't talk about this part because it brings back all those 14 year old girl fantasies. That's a whole other blog post.

Had her fair share of men: We'll never really know who she was with besides Justin, K Fed and that best friend of hers who she married and divorced. Flings like Colin Ferrel, who cares? She's been there done that. She's even had kids. But yes, I quote Britney when I defend her and say "With a kid on my arm, I'm still an exceptional earner". She is. Men come and go, but Britney will always be around. Even if you don't like that thought. Which girl hasn't made rash decisions with men around. Which girl has not had problems with the opposite sex? Well nuns don't count. But lets face it, famous or not famous, boys/men bring out the worst in us (the best too).

"I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt": I know this all too well. People think you've done something, when all you've done is be yourself. Even if she did have a boob job, it's her prerogative, her wish and her freaking boob-full right. So maybe all of us haven't had a boob job or even been questioned about it, but haven't you ever had it so good that people raised an eyebrow over the authenticity or legitimacy of it?

  • If you're getting good grades: "oh you're lucky", "She must have slept with the professor".
  • If you have a cute boyfriend: "It's probably just temporary until he finds another sleazebag to move on to."
  • Your looking prettier/more handsome: "It's all that makeup", "He got some professional help".
  • You got an increment at work: "It's her luck, she's got too much of it".
Blah, blah, blah, you get the point. And with all pretty girls, its always the same story. You couldn't just be born that way, Could you? You soooo could.

No body is asking you to consider Britney Spears a role model. Most artists are not. But we still emulate them. So how can you then turn away a woman/girl who helped me (and god knows how many others) get through school without killing themselves (okay a bit dramatic, I know). But yes whether it was 'Hit Me Baby One More Time" or "Gimme More", I have always found myself singing her songs. It does not make my any less cool, nor does it speak volumes about my character. It just shows that I'm not chicken enough to deny that yes Brit was IT.

Look into your deep dark organ called a heart and ask yourself, when was the last time you didn't sing along to a Britney song or even know the lyrics for more than one verse? The truth might astound you!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Putting an end to the *itch

I must admit. I am a *itch with a capital B.

Having said that I don't think I was born this way. There are people and incidents to blame who have helped me get this far along in *itchdome.

I don't want to sound like the Meredith Brooks song 'I'm a Bitch' but yes I most of those nouns that she mentions. Anyways getting to the point, if you haven't realized already, I'm pissed. Believe me, the *itch in me only comes out when someone provokes it.

So for the past couple of months, I've been minding my own business, and doing my own thing. I have been relatively nice, not snapping, not back biting, nothing. Then the *itch in me came out. The *itch in me can't ignore these provokers in me anymore.

Here is a little run down on the things that have been pissing me off the most lately (in no particular order):

1. I walk into a Jimmy Choo store and the only thing I walked out with was a catalogue. On the bright side, I guess its okay, because with the money I didn't spend, I could have fed an entire village and then some.

2. The Commonwealth Games insist on happening in India, even though everything seems to be falling down, literally.

3. This douchebag I know thinks that being a douchebag is cool not to mention 'haute'. What the douchebag doesn't realize is that no body likes douchebags.

4. Petrol prices in India have been hiked and so have auto fares (fair). Auto rickshaw drivers expect you to feel sad for them even though they have more expensive phones than you (unfair)

5. 'Dabaang' has made Salman Khan haters suddenly love him. I'm glad his movie has done well, but I hate that haters are chasing in on his success. In the future, let's not judge a movie by the actors personal life for a change. If your going to watch a thoughtless but clever film, I suggest you leave your brain and Wikipedia knowledge at home.

6. Despite erasing people from my life, not to mention from my social network pages, they come back to haunt me with their dumb "musings" and observations. I've said this before. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

7. I went back to the gym after a 3 month break and gained no weight (yay)...But...after two days at the gym, I gained one kg! (yuck) I'm hoping it was all that water I drank to compensate for how tired I was.

8. No matter how lose or unrevealing my clothes are, the man standing in front of me insists on taking a quick peek. (Like I didn't notice you Schmuck!)

9. I suddenly went social happy, tried loving everyone, only to get grumpy and in the mood to be alone.

10. 25 years of my life are practically up (1/3 of my life!) and I barely have any interesting stories to tell my grandchildren.

I know I love to complain, but my intention is never to hurt any one particular person. If I do it's probably because they are out to ruin the world or something. Since the *itch in me is still around, I'll do what I do to get rid of anything. I don't drink my miseries away, I don't drown myself in my own tears. I could eat my heart out, but I'd rather do what any self respecting whiner would do. I'll listen to someone else talk, rather sing about how much they dislike something or someone else.

Since I complained about 10 things, here are my top 10 "Be a *itch and get rid of her" songs

  1. 'Ain't a Part of Me'- Chris Cornell ft. Timbaland (
  2. 'Positively 4th Street"- Bob Dylan (
  3. "Obsessed"- Mariah Carey (
  4. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects (
  5. "You Oughta Know"- Alanis Morrisette (
  6. "Sh*tlist"- L7 (
  7. "FU"- Cee Lo (
  8. "Love Me or Hate Me'- Lady Sovereign (
  9. "Cooler Than Me"- Mike Posner (
  10. "Hit em' Up"- Tupac (
I wish someone would write a book on how to avoid being a *itch or even how to stop being one when you are. Unfortunately looks like I'm going to have to pen that one.

Now. For those other itchy *itchy people out there besides me. Skip it. Just listen to some of these tracks and move on. Indulge the *itch once in a while, but don't let it take over. Ignore those people who would love to see the *itch in you. Save the *itch in you for the really serious moments in life. Like when your husband leaves you for a younger woman or when you get fired from a company you started (joking).

Take it from the *itch herself.

Note to self: There is a thin line between a perpetual whiner and a *itch. RESIST!

Monday, July 26, 2010

An Ode to the Burqa (when in Rome)....

Shakespeare had a tragic hero and Juliet to deal with.

James Joyce had Leopold Bloom and the Odyssey to worry about.

Defoe had Crusoe and his man Friday to keep busy.

Keat's had seasons and birds.

There have been odes to nightingales', sex, hate, the human mind, lesbians, everything. Or so we thought. What about the Burqa? No, unfortunately it is the lost tragic character in our modern age book of life.

I can't believe I never wrote about it before. But then again, we didn't have to deal with a ban on it before now did we? No, not even during the crusades.

It's official people. The crown of thorns has come out. The Burqa has been banned in France and Belgium.

Before I start my overbearing almost tyrannical take on this ban, let's get our facts straight shall we? France and Belgium are countries where only a small fraction of Muslim women wear the burqa. When I say small I mean a couple of thousands in France and about 30 in Belgium. Fractional if almost non existent. So it shouldn't really matter then should it? But it does.

Why? Let me tell you why.

It's been almost a decade since the tragic 9/11, but the on-going anti-Islam movement is just getting stronger with reactive legislation like this ban. People shouldn't be reacting, they should be responding.

Is having a women remove her burqa going to make you feel any safer? Well I guess we will find out right?

Now let's pretend that banning the burqa is going to solve everything or at least start with regards to terrorism. Let's also for a moment listen to all the feminists out there who think that wearing a Burqa is anti- woman and a sign of oppression. Let's also believe that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN who wears a Burqa is FORCED into wearing one. Then what do you do if some poor ol gal actually is caught wearing a Burqa? You fine her 150 euros of course. Okay, but then your practically fining a slave or oppressed person for being oppressed. That's the way you do it. Punish someone for being the "victim".

This brings me to my point, when in Rome do as the Romans do. For all those smart alecs who argue that Saudi and predominantly Muslim countries don't respect other cultures, I agree. You are right. Women can't walk down Mecca wearing a bikini. The girls of Sex and The City cannot flash condoms around and grope men in public. That's because these countries are Islamic states and those are the very tenants of Islam. Fine. that's understood. Now why then do you want to go and compare democratic and otherwise secular countries with the likes of Saudi? What's the competition. They tell you now to wear a bikini so you tell them not to cover up. Very smart.

With all this talk about Democracy, secularism and ban in the same sentence, I can't help but be reminded of Orwell's masterpiece, and my favorite book '1984'. It wasn't too long ago that the very thought of being told what not to wear would start a riot. It's a matter of time before we are told what to wear.

Personally I don't wear a burqa, hijab or niqab anymore, but I did wear a Hijab for an entire year when I was 13. Dumbfounded? Don't know what 2 of those three words are? It's okay. You are not the only one. I might not practice wearing the garments, but I do recognize the difference between the three.

The Hijab is the scarf that covers your head and neck, but your face is still shown.

The Niqab is the entire outfit which covers you from head to toe including your face, with only your eyes showing.

The Burqa -is the long head covering that covers your entire body, but not necessarily your face.

So I am assuming these French people have banned the niqab, since they feel threatened by not being able to see a womans face. What surprises me is that this whole debate says more about the people opposing the niqab than those who wear it, like me. Prejudiced, unknowing bigots.

My argument is always going to be freedom of will and equality. By banning the burqa you are banning the religious conviction that some people have. And we all know how difficult it is to be convinced about anything anymore.

I am all for banning oppressive men, women, rapists, molesters, pedophiles. Should we get them next? Please. My point is pretty straight. When you pick one race and make its practices illegal, even when other races are permitted to do similar things without criticism, that is racism. I haven't heard of the Nun's habits being banned? Is it because there are more Christians in the country? I had to think of it that way. I hate to bring religion into my blog posts because I am supposed to be whining and not feeling so passionately about a thing that I don't even follow.

If you ask me, (which I am sure you are not, but I'll say it anyways) if the Burqa is such a security threat, learn to work around it. When reasonably requested, the Burqa should be lifted. That is a law. You want uniform in universities, schools and work places. Burqa wearing women should be told at time of registration that while in class, the burqa must be removed. That is a law. If you need security checks in airports, major hot spots, etc, ask the woman to reveal her face. That's a law. Think about this. A woman wearing a hijab is as accessible to a CCTV camera as one that is wearing a hat or slinky Dior silk scarf. And if the latter wraps a scarf a bit higher around her neck that probably makes her as anonymous as a woman in niqab.

I believe no body should be telling you to wear, I also believe no one should be told to not wear it. If we advocate that a woman should be able to wear mini skirts, pants or whatever she wants to wear, we should also advocate for the fact that she should be able to wear a hijab, niqab or burqa. But this doesnt mean some patriarchal chauvanistic man can tell her what to wear, this also means that he can't tell her what not to wear. Simple.

Coming back to the French. Do the French intelligence agencies really have nothing better to do with their time? No other threats to deal with, apart from 2,000 Muslim women with covered faces?

By wearing the Burqa, if these women are somehow a symbol of social division then so is the Sikh turban and the Orthodox Jewish wear. But no one is having a go at them, and I hope they don't either.

A womans assets are her own. If she wishes to flaunt them as freely as discounts at Big Bazaar she is more than welcome to. We live in a world where everything is sold almost pornographically. By seeing a woman cover up, and then telling her she can't, are we respecting her less? Yes we are.

I repeat myself again and again. Let there be beauty, liberation and freedom. If a woman wants to cover her boobs, she is no less or more than a woman who thinks talking with boobs is a way of life. I support both!

A burqa is not Islamically recommended. I am sure about that. I have grown up with the strictest Muslim grandmother in the world. Possibly. But she would never force anyone to wear it. Islam is a pure religion at the heart of it. Women are pure too. Stop complicating both. Don't involve both in over zealous chauvinistic and terrorist activities that are rocking this sorry world. And, for goodness sake, lets not reduce Religion and human beings to a dress code. That is as the French would say "très bête".

If anything needs to be done, it's getting rid of male domination. Encourage women, Burqa clad or not to do as they will and not as the testosterone overloaded bull next to her wants. Find a solution for Domestic Violence, abuse, harassment, not for ethnic dress code cleansing. Let the women be. All you men need to stop thrashing each other over cultural differences.

I'll never understand ultra conservative Islam, but I am pretty sure Sarkozy doesn't either. I say we oppose the racist right wing kind of politics which could give a flying duck about Muslim women's rights and I also say we ban the products of the Islamic right wing. Women should not be sacrificed to either!

Before I finish completely, I want to recount an incidence where I have been subjected to racial profiling with just my name. So my name is completely Muslim. I have a Hindu name too. I choose not to use it because my identity will not be hampered based on the whims and fancies of people who don't even know how to spell their name backwords. Once a boy who I will not name told me, in this very country, that "If you don't like it, then you can leave". Where will I go you motherchucker! This is happening across Europe, America and all the xenophobic areas. America, I can't belive I am saying this, seems a little more understanding. That's probably becuase the minorities are combining to become the majority. But anyways there is no excuse for saying :"When in Rome....otherwise go Home". Bollocks. You don't have to be the majority in a place for it to be your home. Common sense.

And then they like to call themselves educated...

What am I even talking about. I don't know. But yeah. Banning the Burqa is just the start. Should I start calling myself by my non-muslim name now? No. I say bring it on!