Douche-Bag Syndrome

Now I am not one to use profanities or cuss a lot, but I cant stop myself from appreciating the word douchebag. It's so easy on the tongue and sounds more like a french delicacy than a bad word.

Today I stand completely inspired by two women who have risen up and fought against the douche bags in their lives. Now the word douche bag is so vague. I mean if taken literally it means a bag that gushes a stream of water. I'm not talking about that. I am talking about the DooouuucccHE Bag. The quintessential jerk of the 21st century. The ass h*le of the millennium. The creep of the year (and most of our life). Its funny how more often than none the douche bag in our lives is a male. I mean I am not a right out feminist here but its true right. Well it is as far as I can see it.

So last week I came across two videos. I know I am a little late in blogging about it. Blame it on the douche bag in my life, my back. Long Story. Now on to the observation.

So I came across Rihanna's tell all with Diane Sawyer on 20/20. Up until now, there has only been speculation and random commentary, but Rihanna herself has never gone on air and on record about the whole Chris Brown incident. I hate to call it an incident because an incident is just something that happens and you tend to forget about it just as soon. This cannot be forgotten. Domestic abuse is something that we hear about all the time. But the problem is you never think it will happen to you so you tend to ignore the fact that it is happening to others. Selfish as we are, we cant help it. It won't happen to us will it? It could I'm afraid. So Rihanna goes on record and reveals everything. So why did the Douche bag in question resort to shoving, biting and punching the Barbadian Diva? Oh the silly woman looked through his messages and saw dirty messages from his ex girlfriend. Oh yeah I would totally knock someone around silly for that. TOTALLY. Douche Bag number 1= Chris Brown. What the heck was he thinking and did he seriously think she wouldn't want to pour her heart out on national television? He needs to be dismissed and sent to Douche bag hell. But Rihanna's new video features hottie Dr. Jackson Avery from Grey's Anatomy. Me thinks she should just start canoodling with him. Ahem Ahem. If she doesn't I will! As far as Chris Brown is concerned..maybe he should stop trying to reach out to Rihanna. His new video for the single "Crawl" is pathetic. I mean come on, casting Cassie (aka Rihanna wannabe) with a half bald head as the ex? SERIOUSLY? J.T. did it better with "Cry me a river". Back then it was bold. Now its just stupid.

The other Douchebag is another young musician who just thinks too much of himself. Yes its one of the Jo Bros. Taylor Swifts ex, Joe Jonas. So Taylor comes out with this song called 'the Monologue' on SNL and its hilarious without being over the top, because she mentions two douchebags without being mean. So Joe actually broke poor Tay Tay's heart over the phone. Oh My Gosh. Yes he is totally a douchebag. Who does that? I mean I get that he isn't a MAN yet, I mean a 19 year old boy cant be held responsible for his actions can he? Of course he can. Even small boys have balls. So where did this 19 year olds balls go? I hate that word BALLS but its so apt for the situation you know. Sounds better than guts. Then there was Kanye who had over exposed his ballsyness stealing glory which wasn't even his to begin with. But I dunno. I think there was too much media attention for the whole thing and plus Taylor didn't have any trouble jumping on to another Taylors (::cough::Lautner) bandwagon. So considering she jumped real fast and I am on Edwards team, I think Taylor is a half a douchebag herself. I know I'm biased. Sue me. Go team Edward!

So I can't decide whether Josh Duhamel is a douchebag or not. So rumor has it that he did cheat on Fergalicious Fergie with a stripper. There isn't any real evidence that he did, but then who is to say he didn't. So I guess we can just assume him un-douchebag-worthy till he is incriminated and more evidence surfaces.

Other douchebags include:

1. Manu Sharma for being a moron who thinks he can lie to a public that is so well connected and knows what everyone is doing every minute. Douchebag.

2. Sheila Dixit for giving Manu Sharma bail. Douchebag auntie!

3. Raj Thackeray/Bal Thackerey/ MNS: All those fools who think they can get away with being discriminatory and ignorant. You're a bunch of douchebags. They should just come to terms with the fact that Maharashtra is full of douchebags but not all of them are Marathi speaking. I suggest you learn to live in harmony with your fellow douche bags. Also, what do you get out of setting fire to inanimate objects like movie posters of Kurbaan? Does it set your devilish souls at ease or do you enjoy burning paper. I dont see you setting your stacks of black money on fire, nor do I see you relaxing after that. Your just sick and need to get lives. Douchebags. All of you.

4. Bruce Springsteen: Sorry "Boss", I love your music but how could you go on stage in Michigan and scream "Hello Ohio", not once but thrice! Sorry but if you were in India and you said "Hello Bihar" while in Maharasthra, I could only pray for your safety and sanity. Think about eating some ginseng tablets and become more aware of your surroundings!

6. Indian Government: For allowing stupid stuff to happen in this country everyday and have no one taking responsibility for the same. Douche bag country. We seem to have a lot of douchbag moments. Might I refresh your memory: Partition, The Emergency of 1975, 26/11...oh and those are just the more popularly known ones. Every day we have douchebag moments in this country full of douchebags.

7. The Jamiat-Ulema-e-Hind's for declaring a fatwa against the Vande Mataram. Douche bags need to remember that a fatwa is only a suggested rule of law and not a sumpreme law of the land. Sing/Dont Sing the National Song. Its up to you. But douchebags need to learn to think for themselves.

So those were the douchebags of the week, and I am sure there will be many more this week. But these people are all celebrities and prominent personalities/groups. They are expected to be douchebags. Douchebags make the most money. DUH. But that doesn't mean there aren't any douchebags in my life. I have a number of douchebags in my life who I feel should be locked away in douchebag hell. But we wont go there. I think we all have douchebag moments. But let try to avoid having those moments as much as we can. Here are the don'ts that one should avoid to stay out of douchebagness. (Based on true incidents)

Moral of the Story is.....

1. Don't break up with your girlfriend over the phone.
2. Don't go on public television and cry about a douchebag breaking your heart over the phone and then start dating a werewolf who shares your name and expect sympathy from the poor public all the time!
3. Don't jump on stage and steal someones glory.
4. Don't beat your girl (or boy) up silly for going through your messages and questioning you about an ex.
5. Don't write a blog on douchebags. I already did it.
6. Don't run down the stairs. The stairs are douchebags.
7. Don't cheat on your wife with a stripper( or anyone)
8. Don't make a music video with a woman who is known to be a more demented version of your ex.
9. Don't deposit out of station checks in an ancient bank with an unaccepting system. (::cough cough SBfreakinI)
10. Don't grant bail to a rich spoiled homicidal nut case and then feign ignorance when he uses his parole time to go clubbing.
11. Don't use your parole time to go clubbing and get in fights with equally spoiled nut case sons of big fish cops.
12. Don't declare fatwa's
13. Don't follow fatwas blindly without thinking first
14. Don't forget the name of the city in front of a huge concert crowd even if you are "the boss"
15. Dont' recreate the Holoucaust and discriminate against fellow douchebags. How can you discriminate against people that are just as douchebaggy as you.

oh I think I can go on forever...lets just call it a day and hope that we all become less douchebaggy by the day...