Osama & Obama: The Eternal Love Affair

I woke up today at 7 am, not because I love getting up early, but because someones dog wouldn't stop barking. I was not pleased to say the least. If a barking dog wasn't enough, I had to get to work early to give my radio peeps their daily dose of gossip. Yes after a sabbatical 'Rumor Has it' was back. Now here I am trying to find out all the goss on how much Kate's Alexander McQueen cost when these stupid pop ups keep saying Obama is going to make an announcement soon. What the heck did Obama have to do with me? So what if I lived in that country for 17 years, Obama didn't really matter to my rumor spreading.Or maybe he did. My mind was thinking of all the possibilities.Could he be making an even more hilarious statement about Donald Trump? Was he really not an American citizen? Its amazing what one headline can do to the average human beings brain. I wasn't even close.

The calender in my part of the world says that it's May 2nd, 2011. Over on the more econimically set and advanced part of the world though it's still May 1st. The day is mostly remembered for the day that Hitler was announced dead. Yes announced. He actually died the previous day. While I believe that things happen for a reason and all that jazz, I cant help but wonder about this next piece of expensive ad time news. O-S-A-M-A is dead. You might be wondering why I spelled it out that way. Its because I've been running around saying Obama is dead all day. I can't keep saying that. These are the kind of things that can get you killed. Literally. Now you may be wondering why I am spending my working hours writing about a topic that well I really have nothing to do with. Or do I?

I'll get into that later, but if the international media is anything to go by, then my opinion stands as follows. This is what's been happening and is also a surefire plan to avoid conspiracy theories (NOT!):
1)Shoot Osama bin Laden
2) Take clear photos as proof, that don't look like they've been Photo-shopped by my 12 year old brother.
3) In true Dexter style, dump his corpse in a water body and claim it was done in true Islamic fashion.

Hold up. Islamic fashion? I'm pretty sure they like to be buried 6 feet under the ground and not 20,000 leagues under the sea. Tell me blog-werts, how on Earth do you capture the worlds most wanted man and then...just dump him in the sea?

Call it good timing, mere co-incidence or a conspiracy theory, but I am anywhere but satisfied. Now I'm no military intelligence expert. Heck I don't claim to be intelligent at all. But here's the deal. I didn't spend 10 years of my life being subjected to "anti-extremist" measures to be told that the man responsible for my bags being checked at the airport was just thrown away like a candy wrapper. No. You have some explaining to do.

But who is going to explain this? Because from what I have seen (on the tv), Obama is clear that Osama was in fact killed just outside of a major Pakistani city. Fine. I'll leave the details to him. But how can he just be "removed" like this without any other explanation. I'm sorry but as much as I love Obama, he is not the worlds commander-in-chief.

I still get horrible images of families at ground zero holding pictures of their lost yet loved ones. I would never ever encourage such a heinous act. But then again, Osama wasnt the only one who was killed in this "war on terrorism". It's been a long road this search for Osama. I can only imagine how many more 'Talibanians' have been slaughtered in the making of the epic ending.

Indeed, the cost has been massive, in dollars and in lives. But from the very moment that first tower fell in NY, we all knew who would be writing the end of this story.The message was oh so clear: "Attack the USA and we'll attack you right back".

I in no way love or sympathize with extremists, fanatics and their kind. So don't even for a second think I am writing this to support "their cause". I don't support any cause unless it's freedom of speech and freedom of religion. But yes, I would appreciate some freedom from fear. So now that he's dead and gone like a JT and T.I. song, can we please get back to the days when Shagufta was a name synonymous with Kofta's and Goofy and not a terrorist.

Sorry for the slight deviation. I'm not done yet. Now here's something else that gets to me. There were weeks and months at a stretch that Obama did nothing. Then comes this past one week where he's had many tricks up his sleeve. First there were random reports that Al Qaeda's almost boss in Afghanistan was caught. Then that crazy Donald Trump started asking for attention and pissed off Obama by questioning his birth place. Then the very next day, out of the blue, Obama produced his birth certificate to the world. And now, he tells the world that Osama is dead. Is it just me or does anyone also think that it couldn't have been just to placate dear Donald? I don't know.

But here is what I do know. If 9/11 helped us get to know George W Bush a little better (even if against our own will), and got him re-elected, then Osama is Obama's claim to Nobel prize fame and we all know he wants to get re-elected too. Well I don't live in that country anymore and I won't be voting anytime soon. So yeah go ahead, bring out that snappy election campaign, Get Kanye and Jay to write you a song. But sometime, in the future, please do tell us what really went down. Oh and if you were looking for the perfect time to pull out of Afghanistan, now would be the time. My forefathers would really appreciate it. And for what its worth, I hope you get re-elected. But please, that last Nobel Prize you won was given too early to you. I know your love affair has come to an end, but who says you have to fall in love just once?

In the mean time, since life is just one big ol pop song in my world, will the real Dawood/Kasab/Gaddhafi please stand up? The Obama...err..world is looking for its new favorite villain.

SORRY from an XX

Okay so for the most part I am different from the other XX chromosomes in the world.

1. My chest and booty size is bigger.
2. I like sports, and don't just pretend to
3. I can wear heels and still run and dance up a storm
4. I don't take 1 hour baths (7 minutes is all I need)
5. I hate compliments
6. I can't sew, design, or drape a sari
7. my eye liner line is a little thicker
8. I don't like to be smarter or pretend to be dumber than the average human

But the one thing makes me just like all the other douche baggy women out there is that I can't say SORRY...when I really mean it. Sure I say SORRY for bumping into you, for spitting on you, for dropping your expensive iPhone, for making you buy me things and for things that absolutely don't deserve the utterance of the word. But there might have been a handful of times and situations where the word was so necessary but I just couldn't muster up the balls to say it.

So today, on this very blogful day, I hereby sit in my uncomfy office chair and vow to make amends. Now I won't take names because that's what distasteful bloggers do and I pride myself in being a tasteful one (yes we exist). You know how we have a lot o be thankful for? Well I have a lot to be SORRY for. Here it goes:

1. S.M.: I'm sorry I bullied you. Or rather let "them" bully you. I should have stuck up for you instead of watching and adding my "yeahs" after everything they said. I was stupid, it was the 6th grade and I think about it a lot. We were really good friends. So then why did I let it happen? We went trick-or-treating. You were my first real desi friend. But thanks for never treating me badly, even in Highschool when you totally could have. I see Karma worked out for you and you are doing really well. SORRY!
2. F, A, and A: You boys were great. I liked you. I honestly did. Just not enough to stick around I guess.You bought me gifts. Drove me around. Said all the right things. Gave me a few butterflies and goose bumpy moments. I got you to say those three dreaded words, but I couldn't reciprocate. I'm glad we're still friends and as cheesy as it may sound, there is a beautiful (little less than me) girl out there who will make you happy. SORRY we couldn't make pretty babies.
3. N: When we went from being acquaintances to besties I don't know, but I know that whatever time I had with you, it was the best time of my life (sorry for sounding like a Bryan Adams song). I know I disappointed you and I also know you'll never quite tell me how much I did. I still don't know exactly what happened, but I do know I should be SORRY to you and only you. You deserve one of the biggest SORRY's ever.
4. A.S.D.K.: You were my hero. SORRY I never told you that. It's time for me to prove you right and all of "them" wrong".
5. M: I'm SORRY this got blown out of proportion. But I guess we both like it loud and dramatic. It should have been face to face, but it didn't really go the way I planned. Not that I planned for one of the worst years of my life.
6. S.A.: I'm SORRY I led a double life. I never completely told you who I am or what I am but you were my best friend. Hopefully when I'm 67 and completely ballsy I'll sit down with you over a glass of prune juice and finally tell you everything.
7. T.R.: I stole your favorite eraser when I was 8. I wanted to add it to my eraser collection. I went home and told my mom and she didn't let me watch 'The Simpsons' for a whole week. It was torture. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: SORRY.
8. S.S.: I should have never made you my target. If that situation was a battle zone, I would have killed you in friendly fires when the real enemy got off without a scratch. Glad we started over but SORRY anyway.
9. S.A.: I'm not sorry that it's mine now, but I do think that you think that I took something of yours. I'm SORRY you got a raw deal but its about time you accept reality too. You seem pretty talented at what you do and you've moved on. Progress is refreshing!
10. My babies: You guys died a premature death at my hands. I'm SORRY you were gifted to me, but this generation of electronic goods seems to be doing well. Less slips and breaks. Fingers crossed (without them in my hands of course).
11. S.S.: If you get fired, it's my fault. SORRY. But you blew it when you started acting like a tyrant and feigned ignorance to all my problems. Tough luck on the top! Anonymous letters can be so hateful can't they?

Are there more people to say sorry to? Perhaps. But in the past 25 years, these are the most notable. Now I don't know if they'll ever read this but if they do, I mean everything in caps. That's all that matters.

I might regret this post tomorrow or even after 30 seconds of hitting the send button but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

The road to redemption starts now in

5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

xoxo,
XX

Fat Girl with Skinny Jeans: The GM Diet

Fried Chicken. Fried chicken Fried Chicken. Deeeeep Fried Chicken.

This is all I could think about at approximately 8 pm last night. Of course I got my wish but the universe hates me so much that the guy gave me burnt-to-the crisp-chicken poppers and I wasn't in the mood to accept it like it was just Cajon cuisine. So I almost yelled at him on the phone and settled for eating the lentils and rice at home that my roomies so lovingly cooked. But I was still upset that I didn't get to eat some freakin fried chicken. Blame it on the chemical imbalances that so called woman hood brings. Anywho, so that was just last night and here I am on Day 1 of my GM diet. Guess I owe it to the guy who burned my chicken to get here. Now for those of you who don't know what the GM diet is, pat yourself on the back. You haven't Googled weight loss every single day of your internet filled years. On a serious note though it is a diet. Yes I am an internet diet freak (based on the number of internet searches I trigger). But that's where the buck stops. So I've tried the Lemon cleanse because Beyonce did it. I've tried the hunger diet because half the world does it, I've tried the SEE (not sea)-food diet and now it's time to try a diet that more or less incorporates all of those things. Before I get into my experience on Day 1, let me run you down on what the diet really is. Now I am assuming that if you are reading this then you know what the full form of GM is. The GENERAL MOTOR diet was actually created for the employees of General Motors, you know the giant car manufacturers. No I haven't quite my day job and switched into the automobile industry. I'm still shag da intern. But my incredible search engine skills led me to uncovering this diet. It supposedly helps you not only lose weight, but cleanse your system and helps improve your over all well being. JACK POT! Before you pass judgment, you are not me so you can't even begin to fathom what it means to lose weight. I am not promoting starvation, just as I am not promoting the slaying of animals for my gastronomical pleasure. I am simply exploring and trying to help my body feel better about it self. Take it from a fat girl.

Okay getting back to why I wanted to try this diet. The whole idea is you eat specific foods that help you burn more calories simply because your body uses more calories to digest them. It's a seven day thing and every day you follow a different guideline.

This is what the guinea pig (in this case me) has to stick to:

Day 1: Hog on all the fruits you can except the calorie ridden Banana

Day 2: Shove all the veggies you have never eaten in your life and make up for lost time. Start your morning by eating the biggest potato you can find (boiled)

Day 3: Eat all the fruits and veggies your stomach can take through out the day and as many as you can to keep you from fainting and grabbing the nearest Zebra to devour. Oh but you still can't eat bananas and no potatoes either.

Day 4: So all those days that you have been told to not eat bananas on this diet come to an end today. Today you only eat bananas and drink milk. I hope it tastes better then it sounds.

Day 5: Technically you are supposed to eat beef and tomatoes today. But since the thought of a dead cow in my stomach makes me want to hurl on the poor guy sitting next to me, I'll skip on the beef and eat some brown rice instead. Day 6: You're supposed to eat all the beef and veggies you can handle but I think I will stick to veggies and lentils. Day 7: Today its all about the brown rice, veggies and fruit juices. Doesn't sound so bad. Now let me remind you again I am only on the first day of this thing. It's about 5 in the afternoon and I'm doing pretty good so far. I've eaten 2 apples, 2 oranges, 2 plums and 1 pear. By the end of the day I should chow down on 1 more apple, 1 more orange, 1 more pear and a bowl full of watermelon. Now I barely have the time to blog on normal days and this week is no exception. However because I want to finish this diet without failing, I am going to seal the deal on the internet. So I started today and I should have a blog by next Monday to document the success/failure of this whole adventure. That makes the blog world my witness. The best thing about this diet is that you are supposed to eat as much as you want and if you're feeling hungry, you're doing it wrong. That makes me feel a whole lot better. Oh yeah I'm supposed to drink litres and litres of water and abstain from alcohol. I think this will be a cinch. On that notes, wish me good luck and no Zebra cravings!