To cuss or not to cuss, mother chucker?!

It's been almost 5 years since I have blogged. Not because I haven't had the inspiration, motivation or fire too, but mostly because I have been lazy. Also, I don't know where people write online anymore. Am I supposed to be on Tumblr? Twitter is so restricting. I can't think in parts. Yeah, I'm too lazy to even find new venting spaces.

But as one of the laziest people I know, it really takes SOMETHING for a lazy person to put aside their laziness and become a member of the non-lazy hardworking world again.

So my whole life I have more or less strayed from the act of cussing. Barring of course two important incidents which will prove otherwise:

a) In grad school when I said the f word that rhymes with 'duck' exactly 3 times at a boy, whose name I refuse to take, because he pains me like Voldermort pained Harry. Let's just say he was "the lowest point" and his name meant it too. Now that I look back at it, he doesn't deserve to have my cussing v-card. I want it back!

b) In 2015, when I was trying to explain to a group of friends, what another individual said, and I let the expletive slip out. That's the worst feeling ever, knowing it wasn't my time to cuss but I did. Again, I feel robbed.

They say the third time is a charm. Well I haven't been charmed yet. I have led a semi-charmed kind of life. Several studies suggest that cussing relieves pent up frustration, helps you relax, makes you smarter, puts you in contention for winning the Nobel Peace Prize, blah blah blah. Please, you and I both know half these studies are made up in a college dorm by a kid trying to make some side cash for his/her side chick.

I don't cuss but I sure as heck do hang out with a lot of people that do. Out of every 10 friends I have, 9 and a half cuss for sure. In fact, those friends are waiting for me to cuss. There is a major pool about when I start cussing on the regular and what word I will use the most. I don't want anyone to win money, except me! Turns out I don't cuss but I sure as heck will like you if you do. You are brave. Also, I listen to the filthiest music, using the most number of expletives. Some I even have to look up on Urban Dictionary. Such is life. Life is such poop. Is poop a bad word? I mean is it like saying "life is such", sh*t"? Is one worse than the other?

I use a lot of substitutes. I have somehow convinced myself that Sh*t > Cr*p > Poop > Number 2. In this case >  = "worse than". I was so bad at math growing up, that it's shocking that I am using symbols like > to make you understand my point. Am I going to continue living life as a cuss-less lie? Is it okay to say 'mother chucker' instead of the other word? Am I just playing myself and you? Am I really just wasting too much energy trying to come up with substitutes, energy I could spend doing Pilates or yoga or anything the more "nirvana attaining" women of my age are doing? I don't think I can ask my mother anymore. I am 30. I should know this by now right? Age is so over-rated. That's going to be my next post.

But seriously, where do people write ish anymore? Bloody heck. Or should I have said the opposite of heaven? I am so confused. I need a freakin' drink. Darn it! You know what screw it.

xx

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Hi,

You obviously don't know me yet, but you will hopefully. In fact I am writing this letter to tell you a little bit about me.

Right now I am in my early 20's but pretty soon I'll be diving into my mid twenties and the quarter life crisis will move on to the mid life stage. It's not a pretty sight I tell you. I hope you don't have to see me till I am in my late twenties, because right now I can barely handle myself, imagine handling you.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have you, but at this point the world is a bad bad place and I want to keep you away from it. This does not mean that by the time you are born the world will be a better place, but hopefully MY world will be a better place and I will be better equipped to protect you from it.

I promise I won't name you after a cartoon character or any name that will provoke people to come up with hideous nick names for you. Your name will be beautiful. I think I will have to see you to name you. It's to impersonal to name a baby before you meet him or her. I think. So excuse me if you are nameless for a few days. You'll still be my baby though.

Baby, you don't know how much I want to do for you. I want to give you all of life's happiness, all the material and non material goods, whatever it takes.

If your a girl I want to dress you up in fancy clothes from the start, but when you are old enough to understand, I want you to know that its not only about looking good. I will make you a proper lady, because I know what it feels like to be a tom boy with cropped hair but wanting to be a girly girl with the long flowy dresses and hair:: sigh... I won't do that to you baby. I will let you wear dresses as well as the cute overalls. Whatever it takes to keep you happy.

If you are a boy I will dress you up in all the baby sports gear I can find, but I won't ever compromise on colours. If you look good in the colour pink, I won't keep you away from it. I will ensure that you are comfortable with who you are. Don't worry baby.

I hope you aren't bored baby. This is my love letter to you. Because I love you baby and I always will.

You will eat all the finest foods baby, not only the mashed processed types. You will get the best of store bought, drive way ordered and home made foods. I promise I will make extra efforts to be that "good cook" mother. The one who will cook for all your friends and won't ever let you feel like you are eating too much. You can eat whatever you want when you are young baby. But it doesn't stop there.

You will be an athlete, whether you like it or not. You won't be an idle baby who plays only Playstation 10. Baby you will play whatever you want whether its soccer, football, cricket or even golf. I will be there cheering you on at all the matches, if not all, most. I will be the soccer mom that will make sure she drops you to all your matches and at times will even settle to drop off your friends. But baby you will have time to play games, watch movies and indulge in television. I won't say no to a healthy amount of entertainment. Notice the word HEALTHY.

You will have hobbies. I won't stop you from pursuing whatever you want. You can build model cars or destroy them. However you want to express yourself I promise I will try try understand and encourage you.

For the first few years of your life I won't leave you alone baby. You will be my number one priority. But once you are old enough to go to school and stay with a babysitter, I will earn more money for us baby, but I promise I will be back soon. I will work really hard baby so that I can buy you everything you need and more. And when I come back baby I want to see a smile on your face, at any cost.

I will sing for you baby, even though I am sure I will amuse you in a scary way rather than in an entertaining way. It's okay baby, when you don't want to listen to me, I will make you listen to all my favorite artists. Music will help you when I can't. I will help you start your own personal music collection baby. You will listen to everyone from Justin Timberlake to Julio Iglesias. Rihanna to Dire Straits. It's all for you baby.

Are you with me baby?

I want to set the best example for you. I won't indulge in any vices that might hamper your perception of me. I want to be that mom that you only hear of, but never really see.

When you are older, I want you to have your space, even if it means giving you a lot of time away from me. I will let you throw your tantrums but when need be, I will put you in your place baby. I am not a cruel person baby, but life throws a lot of yucky stuff at you. At times this yucky stuff will make you stronger, at times it will make you bitter, at times it will make you hate me. Either way baby I will be strong for you. I will protect you from the yucky stuff as far as possible.

The opposite sex is dangerous baby. You have to be careful with them. If you are a girl I won't stop you from having crushes, but don't depend on boys baby. They can't always be dependable. You will be an independent woman. But you will always have me baby. I will make sure of that.

If you are a boy baby I will make you strong and proud of who you are. I won't let you be a "player" or break random girls hearts. You will be a "gangsta gentleman". That's it. Rest is up to you.

If you decide that you don't like the opposite sex but are interested in the same sex, then we will have to have a long talk and you will have to explain it to me, because I could be very apprehensive about the whole thing. But you can change my mind baby, because I just want you to be happy.

Baby its a mad mad mad world out there. People will upset you. They will make you laugh. They will make you dance to their tunes. They will make you happy. But when the world lets you down. I promise I will be there to lift you back up and I will nurse you back to absolute happiness.

I haven't mentioned your father baby. That's because I don't know who he is or where he is. It's okay though, whether I bring you into this world with or without a father, rest assured I will give you enough love to make up for the lack of one.

I am looking forward to your arrival baby. It may be after a few years, but I am already anticipating your birth. I see you in every baby I see on tv, on the street, in posters.

I love you baby.

Love,

Your mom